Check, check, one, two.

Why is it that I can spend time feeling like both a success and a failure at this whole life gig?

Marriage: check. Overall, good. Ups and downs, but thankfully, mostly ups. Difficult context--wouldn't have necessarily chosen Jordan, but that's what happens when you marry a Jordanian.

Work: check. Much the same assessment. Ups and downs, but mostly ups. Wouldn't have chosen this field, but I couldn't ask for better hours or flexibility. I guess that's what happens when you want to spend most of the day with your kid, but need to bring in some money, too.

Health: check, I guess. Still waiting on a diagnosis for whatever caused my last miscarriage. I saw a specialist and now we're testing. I really want to try to give Salam a sibling. Hope my body is up to it.

Interpersonal interactions: suck. I'm a shy and rather sensitive person. If I feel like I offended anyone, I feel terrible. Can't really deal with conflict unless I feel totally safe with whom I'm fighting. Therefore I tend to avoid people in general. Kind of weird overall. I wish I could change this about myself.

Parenting: OK, I guess. I'm doing my best. Sometimes I do great. Sometimes I fuck up. Hopefully I won't screw up anyone in the process. Love my kiddo a lot, and feel grateful for him every day.

Sense of humor: intact. Especially when Salam tells me every time he farts ("Mommy, fart?"), or just walks up to me in the kitchen and says, "dammit." I'm like, "yeah, I feel that way, too." (Mental note: stop swearing in front of him).

I feel grateful, worried, anxious (health stuff, spousal absences, general life pressures), and miss my family a lot. I guess the good thing is that things never stay the same. I'm sure our context will change a couple years in the future, and hopefully it will bring some good things.

Recovery and Uncertainty

Though I still think about what happened every free moment, it's starting to devastate me less. I can think logically, and without crying. The problem now is that I can't stop trying to find causes or answers as to the big, fat WHY that is eating me up inside. I've Googled and Googled and read through blogs, forums, medical journals, grief websites...in short, the works. So, why would I go into labor in the second trimester during an otherwise healthy pregnancy?

Could be cervical incompetence. Maybe I have fibroids, or a clot that caused a bleed, irritated my uterus, and caused me to go into labor. Maybe I have a symptomless uterine infection.

My first investigation appointment is on June 22nd, and I can barely wait.

Sometimes, when I get ahead of myself, I think about how fall is a nice time to conceive. I'll have waited the requisite 3 months (the average minimum recommended waiting time) yet not longer than 6 months (recent studies have shown higher success rates the sooner couples try again...the longer they wait, the less successful their attempts are).

Then I remember that my husband may not be here. If he's in Sudan, and I get put on bedrest or God forbid, have yet another miscarriage, who would take care of Salam? Who would bring groceries? The least that could be said is that bedrest would be out of the question. But if I got admitted to the hospital, Salam would be alone. That can't happen.

I hate that none of this is in my hands. I hate that I don't know when my husband will be going and when he will be returning. I wish those fuckers who make these decisions would at least give us a ballpark figure.

In other news, Salam had croup (or something like it) last week. Now he's teething his molars. Poor kiddo isn't eating a whole lot. I'm pushing the fluids though, so at least he's happy on that count. It's been a hell of a month.

To Elias, with Love.

Wherever you are now, baby. I'm thinking of you and sending you love. And I just want to say that I'm so so sorry that I couldn't give you the life that you deserve. I still don't know what went wrong, but I promise that I will find out. What happened to you wasn't fair and I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from it. Next time, for any brothers or sisters of yours that may come, I promise that I will do better. I will find a better doctor. I will make them test and look at everything, and I will make them lose sleep at night until they fix my problem, and if they let me down, I'm going to make them wish they'd never gotten a medical license.

I had gotten out all the baby clothes for you, and had cleaned the crib for your arrival. We were so excited and were just waiting for the day that we could see you for the first time (ultrasounds don't count). I was planning on kissing your little feet, singing to you, and carrying you everywhere I went. I was going to put a baby swing in the kitchen so you could be with me while I cook. You and Salam would have been so close. Two peas in a pod, both of you unique. I was going to get a room ready for the both of you. I was going to hand-make you a baby quilt with owls on it. I was going to pain the ceiling of your room with clouds, moons, and stars, so that as you went to sleep every night, you would know how much I love you.

I'm so sorry this didn't happen. You were so strong, and you fought so hard to come. Wherever you are, please find your older brother Pasha. Tell him we love him too. Tell him that it's ok he didn't make it either, and that it's not his fault. I love you both and I'll see you someday. Your grandpa is up there. He has lots of stories and jokes to tell you in the meantime. I'll never forget you, and when I die, I promise I'll find you.

Love,

Mommy

Ups and Downs, But Mostly Nothing.

Well, nothing to report.

Lower back pain, crampy, tired, sometimes nauseated. Fun! The discharge is the same, but perhaps more of it with more water included. Is my body trying to wash out a clot or a polyp? I can only hope that this is the issue. Maybe it's trying to wash out my UTI--unbeknowest to me until 12 hours ago, can cause pre-term labor. Why did all these doctors not treat it right away? I spent two months with this freaking thing. "Just drink water," they said. Gallons and gallons later, I still have the UTI. Thank God it's being treated now.

They put me on a full-spectrum antibiotic until my urine culture comes back, then they're going to put me on a specific antibiotic to kill that miserable sonofabitch bacteria that's jacking everything up. Sunday is the big day. I just have to get through two more days of bedrest and waiting. WEEEE. At least I'll have my husband around to help me. Thank God for small favors. I could actually spend the time in bed then instead of removing knives from the hands of my two-year-old as he runs away from me.

This spotting crap is getting me down. It's not going away, but just continuing as if it's going to be my constant companion. My one comfort is that the doctor said it's "not true vaginal bleeding," and "my cervix is closed and the baby is doing well." Sounds hopeful, right?

Maybe my cervix or placenta is just irritated from my untreated UTI. I wonder if this could happen. It sure would explain the back pain. Maybe the infection is in my kidneys and that's why I feel like I ruptured a disc. Maybe my urethra is on fire and that's why I'm having lower abdominal pain, too.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

My hopes are up for Sunday. Hang in there, Elias. You're loved! You're wanted!

Don't go.

Losing Elias?

Hi there. It's been a while. But since I find myself at home on bedrest, what else should I do but pour out my heart on my silly blog?

I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant. Four days ago, I started spotting pink/peach. This is after I had been spotting brownish goop for a while. After we had picked out a name for the baby. The brownish stuff didn't worry me. I had felt fine, just tired and pregnant. I thought it was my UTI, which my doctor had classified as "barely there."

I went to the military hospital here in Amman. While it lacks resources, it usually has good equipment and very experienced doctors. This is in contrast to every single private sector doctor I have been to here which usually take a lot of money, give conflicting advice, and tend to misdiagnose me all at the same time.

The doctors said I have a "threatened abortion," and that there isn't a lot that can be done. They gave me 50-50 odds of the pregnancy continuing.

That was yesterday. Today, I have really heavy cramps, serious lower back pain, loss of appetite, and my discharge is getting redder, with some small clumps included. It's not looking so good for my little Elias. I'm also fighting the occasional fever, apparently another symptom of miscarriage. He is still alive and kicking as far as I'm aware. I can't understand why my body is doing this. I feel betrayed, terrified, confused, and lost. It's hard for me to trust doctors here.

My old doctor failed to see that my baby was dead the last time I miscarried, and put me on progesterone and a host of other things to keep the baby in. When I started bleeding in a big way, I knew it was over. We went to the military hospital instead, who said my baby had been dead for a week. It was one of the worse experiences of my life. I feel like I'm reliving it all over again.

This pregnancy was going so well, then suddenly a week ago, everything started to go wrong. What is wrong with my body? How did I fail?

Will I ever be able to give my son a sibling?

I know, I haven't lost Elias yet. But the signs are all there...it's difficult to ignore them and "be positive" like everyone says. Especially having traveled this road before.

Sending my baby love.

Driving in Jordan: A Beginner's Guide

There isn't much to be done to prepare one for the experience, but here are a few handy tips that may come in useful.

1. "Oh-no-they-didn't!!" Oh, yes they did. Next time, expect it.

2. Turn lanes. People may turn. They may go straight. Sometimes they stop. Just go around them (slowly) and try to get where you need to be.

3. Your best weapons are your car horn and your brake. You'll learn to drive with one hand on the horn. Not only useful in telling people they're stupid, feel free to honk on any occasion where you feel that someone isn't looking and may just be heading straight for you.

4. Lanes. Forget about them. They just aren't important and will probably get you killed. Your best bet is to follow the largest truck possible in front of you--unless it's a bus. Never follow a bus, or even drive near one. Bus drivers are possibly the worst drivers in Jordan.

5. Lanes, 2. Don't worry about merging. Also, don't be surprised if a 5 "lane" road, after a stop light, suddenly becomes 2 lanes (or vice versa). This isn't bothering anyone else, so don't let it bother you. Just go slower if necessary. If you end up at the back of the pack, even better.

6. Pedestrians. These are sometimes more hazardous than fellow drivers. They will walk out in front of you, even if they're jay walking across a highway where everyone is going about 50mph. Expect it. Also, they don't often look where they're going. That girl in skinny jeans? She just assumes that you see her and that you will make way. She's gonna take her sweet time, whether you honk and swear at her, or not.

7. Parking. Park anywhere where your car will probably not get hit by oncoming traffic, and where there's not a police officer visible, writing tickets. Except downtown--they write a lot of tickets there about any time of day.

That's all for now.

Still Alive and Kicking in Jordan

It's an exciting time to be in the Middle East. Things are calm here in Jordan, and I sincerely doubt that this will change, barring something horrible happening.

My heart is with those in Libya. Their dictator isn't even rational and seems to have no problem with killing them all. No shame. No decency. He makes Mubarak look like a gentleman.

Salam is doing well. Poor kiddo fell off a kitchen chair and fractured his nose recently. He looks a bit more like a bruiser now. Initially he cried for a couple of minutes, but there was no blood, so we didn't think about it. The next day his nose was quite puffy, purple, and runny, so we took him to the hospital. After seeing three specialists, they said that there wasn't really anything to be done, and thankfully he didn't seem to have any problems with his cartilage or any dangerous clots. So, we are supposed to take him back on Monday for a re-check. Here's hoping it goes well.

We finally bought a car. Now, my biggest challenge is learning to drive in a country where you should expect everyone to break the rules all the time. Expect the unexpected. It's taking me a while to get the hang of. I have plenty of experience as a driver, but nothing in the US prepared me for driving in Amman. So, it's me and my '93 Mitsubishi against the world.

I'm improving as a cook. Apparently, there are now several dishes I can make flawlessly. I've mastered molokhia, magloubeh, and kebsa. I think my malfouf is pretty killer too, but ever since I was pregnant with Salam, I can't stand the smell of cooked cabbage. Poor hubby loves the stuff, so it means he's now deprived. :)

More later.