Office Paint and Street Morality

I found out yesterday that the other girls in the office are complaining about me. I found this strange because I actually work in an entirely different office from most of them, and don't generally interact except out of necessity. Things were not intentionally set up this way. I work in marketing, so I am currently a department of one. I tend to get moved around a lot when other departments expand or contract. About the lack of interaction--that's mostly language barrier issues from my end.

Anyways, recently the room I now occupy had to be repainted because the peeling cement wall look isn't very sanitary. It looks much nicer now, but apparently that was a strike against me, and evidence that I was being 'favored.' At another point, another staff member messed up an order of mine. Since this is the fourth time this has happened, I let myself freak out a little on her. There was some door slamming and yelling. If you feel that this is excessive, trust me, it wasn't. Now my requests to have clients and advertisers paid doesn't get ignored for weeks. It's done the same day. Also, she's not handling orders anymore for staff members. Post script, I never got the order she was supposed to submit. Somehow, out of all of this, this is also evidence that I'm being favored.

I get it. I'm an American. Though I'm not personally responsible for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict, nor the Iraq War, nor the war in Afghanistan, somehow...some way...I'm guilty? You might be interested to know that despite my blue passport, money does not materialize from inside my armpits. I do not automatically have the ultimate wasta, because guess what--being American in Jordan doesn't do a whole hell of a lot for anyone. Also, concerning above wars, I did indeed protest them. At one point, I was swindled as everyone else seemed to be, thinking that we were in imminent danger of being nuked. I'm happy to say that I've been thoroughly disabused of that notion, and feel an adequate amount of shame for feeling that it might have been a 'war of necessity' at some point in my life.

Maybe, just maybe, some people get excited because I'm deathly pale. I'm personally not excited about this. It certainly isn't something people would brag about in Indiana. The general consensus would be, 'get thee to a tanning bed, sister.' It's certainly a silly thing to hate me for, as it's something I truly cannot do anything about--like the continued presence of acne into my 30s.

I have to admit that on some level I'm bothered by the dislike and discomfort with my presence. Truly, I don't mess with anyone. I come to work, do my stuff, and go home. I'm a friendly person who says 'please' and 'thank you' and smiles. I'm not going to atone for simply not being Arab, or not being of an olive complexion, or not understanding/performing all the etiquette.

I'm finding out that if you are nice and polite in this country, everyone will either passively ignore you or actively try to take your rights. When purchasing stuff from the supermarket, you have to stand almost on top of the person ahead of you, or someone (or several someones) feel perfectly comfortable with butting right in front of you. In the public space, there is no such thing as 'adab' (manners, politeness) (or a line for that matter). That only exists in private spaces (mostly) where your identity is known.

The other day my husband and I were going to Sweileh to buy some fried chicken to take home for dinner. I noticed a gathering of men in a circle (never a good sign) and then in the middle of the circle, I saw a man lying on the ground covered in blood. No one was helping him. Some people were taking cellphone pictures. Others had sent for coffee. No one had called the ambulance or the police. I looked at my husband and was like, 'can we please call the police? No one is helping.' He of course, did so. Thank goodness the guy wasn't dead. Yet another occasion where I felt the need to cover my son's eyes.

I feel like morality does not exist here. People only try to appear moral. When there isn't any accountability (like in a public place as a passer-by), just forget it. It's sort of the opposite in the U.S. The idea is that it shouldn't matter what others think--you are supposed to do what you believe to be right. Obviously, there are exceptions, but from my upbringing and experience, that's the general value that I walked away with.

I feel so disoriented. I've been here for over two years, and I still can't shake the feeling of being down the rabbit hole. Everything seems backwards and upside down.

Sometimes, I'm afraid for my son. I don't want him to care about what people think. I want him to have an inner moral compass to guide him--not the stares of his friends.