There is something about entering one's 30's where you start to feel like your dreams are on their (collective) deathbeds. You basically sprint through your 20's just achieving like all get-out, and two (liberal arts = useless) degrees later, you're working in a different field stuck in this ungodly holding pattern wondering how you tripped and fell into a whole so deep that you can kiss the rest of your life goodbye.
Maybe that's a little overly dramatic. Or, maybe it's something that only women have to deal with. Before you jump down my throat, grab on to your panties for a second. MEN get to have both families AND careers. No questions asked. For women, that first time you get pregnant and have a kid is like the kiss of death for any sort of career advancement. Not that I want to advance in my current field. It's either change fields, get a full-time job, and throw my child to the wolves of daycare, or, just suck it up. Yeah, my kiddo needs me, so I'm doing a lot of the sucking it up and it's making this giant vacuum noise in my head where all my dreams used to be. I'd freaking love to still be an oil painter, but I just can't seem to fucking make it work. No matter how I twist, push, pull and torture my schedule, everyone else comes first. Assholes. Actually working in a field that is relevant to my degree would require me to sacrifice my time with my son and would hence substantially limit my ability to communicate with him in my native tongue. Not to mention that it would deprive kiddo of his mommy and deprive me of the most beautiful thing I have in life--my son.
I'm pretty much hanging on to my husband's mantra of, "things are not going to stay like this," hoping that it's true in the sense that things may get better. Things may just go ahead and get worse, actually. Like that horrible spell from February to June where I was pregnant, horrifically ill, and had only minimal contact with my husband even while I was in the process of losing the baby. I never, ever, ever, ever want to relive that. Ever.
Our current situation is somewhat better, but only in that I'm not pregnant and horrifically ill. All the other factors are still the same. No money. No husband. No car. Isolated. Fuck!
There has to be something better coming, rather than endless rounds of dishpan hands. People who owe my husband money need to fucking pay him. Then, we need to buy a car. We need this badly, as then my husband will be able to request some sort of transfer within the police where he will be able to sleep at home again. His current position provides a car, but also deprives me of my spouse. So, yeah. Get a car. Once those two things happen, I'll be a much happier, much less angry person. Then, I probably won't be so exhausted at night from the stress and worry of being alone, moneyless and transportationless in a foreign country, that I can actually stay up to paint. If I do that enough, maybe I could *gasp* actually get my work in a gallery in Amman. Motherfuckers. Arrrrgghhhhh!!!! Tired! Of! This!
2 comments:
With baby coming out way i can agree on big changes and stress. granted things are a little smother for us right now, im SURE baby will throw in a kink or two. i have my spring semester coming up and its all my welding quals classes. erg.......
I love your blog. And you are so right about motherhood. It's the most important job and yet we have no value. From reading your posts, it seems to be a universal quality. Awesome. The choices we have to make when we become mothers are terrible. My husband can get on a plane for work any time, but it's a huge deal for me to be gone for two days. He pack and leaves, I plan for a week ahead of time. The bonus is that the older I get, the less I care about what people say or think about me. I make educated decisions for my family. I may not be at all class outings, but I'm there for all of the important things. Hang in there, and know that as long as your husband supports your decisions, no one else's opinions matter.
Post a Comment