I was reading this post about how the term "mommy blogger" is pretty much considered universally derisive. And it's true. Somehow as a society, it has been collectively determined that being a mother (or God forbid, talking about it) is the most valueless thing a person can do. I feel that it's sad to state the obvious--mothers are needed, wanted, and do the most important work in society: raising the next generation. It's the species, stupid!
Just because someone is a mother does not mean that they are an idiot. Far from it. Some of the very best mothers I know are very highly educated people. When I am teaching Salam, I know that I actually am putting my education to good use. Not just in the basics of teaching him sounds and letters--but in interpreting the world around him to make it safer/better/more beneficial. Everything from doctors, diagnoses, sicknesses, nutrition, evaluation of schools, managing bilingualism, choosing learning tools, etc. This is BY FAR the most challenging thing I have ever done--grad school shmad school. Motherhood is hands-down more challenging, more stressful, and more rewarding.
Why is it still considered a 'radical act' to make your voice heard if you are a woman? In the Middle East, it is very apparent that it is a man's world, and that you need to stay in place or it's SHAMEFUL. If only Jordanians could have seen me in art school. They would have all withered with fright (or endlessly disparaged me as a whore while wanting to date me). The 'West' is a bit farther ahead in the toning-down-the-patriarchy bit, but only by degrees. Women still make less than men. Motherhood is still considered 'doing nothing' with your life. Women are still judged by looks more than talent/productivity. Your career takes a hit should you dare to actually start a family.
Really, it's tiring. You know how you feel when you are being managed by someone, and you are more capable than them? Yeah, that's how it feels.
I used to be timid, and give society what it wanted. A quiet, hardworking person who was great at preserving every ego in the room. I'm different now, thank God. I am not afraid to tell people to piss off or shut up anymore. It's ok. It feels good and means that I get to keep my self respect (at last!). If I were a man, it would be considered assertive. Since I'm a woman, it's considered bitchy. Here's me giving a damn.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Just when you couldn't lower your expectations more...
There is something about entering one's 30's where you start to feel like your dreams are on their (collective) deathbeds. You basically sprint through your 20's just achieving like all get-out, and two (liberal arts = useless) degrees later, you're working in a different field stuck in this ungodly holding pattern wondering how you tripped and fell into a whole so deep that you can kiss the rest of your life goodbye.
Maybe that's a little overly dramatic. Or, maybe it's something that only women have to deal with. Before you jump down my throat, grab on to your panties for a second. MEN get to have both families AND careers. No questions asked. For women, that first time you get pregnant and have a kid is like the kiss of death for any sort of career advancement. Not that I want to advance in my current field. It's either change fields, get a full-time job, and throw my child to the wolves of daycare, or, just suck it up. Yeah, my kiddo needs me, so I'm doing a lot of the sucking it up and it's making this giant vacuum noise in my head where all my dreams used to be. I'd freaking love to still be an oil painter, but I just can't seem to fucking make it work. No matter how I twist, push, pull and torture my schedule, everyone else comes first. Assholes. Actually working in a field that is relevant to my degree would require me to sacrifice my time with my son and would hence substantially limit my ability to communicate with him in my native tongue. Not to mention that it would deprive kiddo of his mommy and deprive me of the most beautiful thing I have in life--my son.
I'm pretty much hanging on to my husband's mantra of, "things are not going to stay like this," hoping that it's true in the sense that things may get better. Things may just go ahead and get worse, actually. Like that horrible spell from February to June where I was pregnant, horrifically ill, and had only minimal contact with my husband even while I was in the process of losing the baby. I never, ever, ever, ever want to relive that. Ever.
Our current situation is somewhat better, but only in that I'm not pregnant and horrifically ill. All the other factors are still the same. No money. No husband. No car. Isolated. Fuck!
There has to be something better coming, rather than endless rounds of dishpan hands. People who owe my husband money need to fucking pay him. Then, we need to buy a car. We need this badly, as then my husband will be able to request some sort of transfer within the police where he will be able to sleep at home again. His current position provides a car, but also deprives me of my spouse. So, yeah. Get a car. Once those two things happen, I'll be a much happier, much less angry person. Then, I probably won't be so exhausted at night from the stress and worry of being alone, moneyless and transportationless in a foreign country, that I can actually stay up to paint. If I do that enough, maybe I could *gasp* actually get my work in a gallery in Amman. Motherfuckers. Arrrrgghhhhh!!!! Tired! Of! This!
Maybe that's a little overly dramatic. Or, maybe it's something that only women have to deal with. Before you jump down my throat, grab on to your panties for a second. MEN get to have both families AND careers. No questions asked. For women, that first time you get pregnant and have a kid is like the kiss of death for any sort of career advancement. Not that I want to advance in my current field. It's either change fields, get a full-time job, and throw my child to the wolves of daycare, or, just suck it up. Yeah, my kiddo needs me, so I'm doing a lot of the sucking it up and it's making this giant vacuum noise in my head where all my dreams used to be. I'd freaking love to still be an oil painter, but I just can't seem to fucking make it work. No matter how I twist, push, pull and torture my schedule, everyone else comes first. Assholes. Actually working in a field that is relevant to my degree would require me to sacrifice my time with my son and would hence substantially limit my ability to communicate with him in my native tongue. Not to mention that it would deprive kiddo of his mommy and deprive me of the most beautiful thing I have in life--my son.
I'm pretty much hanging on to my husband's mantra of, "things are not going to stay like this," hoping that it's true in the sense that things may get better. Things may just go ahead and get worse, actually. Like that horrible spell from February to June where I was pregnant, horrifically ill, and had only minimal contact with my husband even while I was in the process of losing the baby. I never, ever, ever, ever want to relive that. Ever.
Our current situation is somewhat better, but only in that I'm not pregnant and horrifically ill. All the other factors are still the same. No money. No husband. No car. Isolated. Fuck!
There has to be something better coming, rather than endless rounds of dishpan hands. People who owe my husband money need to fucking pay him. Then, we need to buy a car. We need this badly, as then my husband will be able to request some sort of transfer within the police where he will be able to sleep at home again. His current position provides a car, but also deprives me of my spouse. So, yeah. Get a car. Once those two things happen, I'll be a much happier, much less angry person. Then, I probably won't be so exhausted at night from the stress and worry of being alone, moneyless and transportationless in a foreign country, that I can actually stay up to paint. If I do that enough, maybe I could *gasp* actually get my work in a gallery in Amman. Motherfuckers. Arrrrgghhhhh!!!! Tired! Of! This!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Postitive Thinking in Four Points
Things are OK. I'm pretty frustrated on a regular basis with life here. As I told my husband the other day, it's not that two or three things suck and annoy you to no end. It's that everything sucks and annoys you to no end. Perhaps that's exaggerating. Jordan does have a couple of good things over America. I shall compose a (very) short list.
1. Healthy food is cheap, and junk food is expensive. This is so awesome. It's actually cheaper to eat in such a way that is good for you!!! America should learn from this model. Tax the shit out of fast food and soda, and use it to subsidize fresh, organic, natural foods. In Jordan, this arrangement just occurs naturally. Junk food is an American import, basically, so it's just more expensive than eating normally. Eating normally here generally includes a diet of fresh yogurt, lamb, eggs, olives, beans, olive oil, fresh vegetables, etc. Even though something like falafel is really fatty, people seldom gorge on it. Rather, it's one small dish that is served with many other small dishes. In sandwich form, it's served on fresh bread (awesome), with hummous and arabic salad. It's also SO CHEAP. You can fill your stomach for less than 1 JD. That's really hard to do in the U.S., and generally, you'd be eating something horrible for your health on that budget.
2. People really like kids here. It's in the culture. There are children everywhere, and people are so kind in general to all children. God--I just wish they would extend that to fellow adults, and we'd be set.
3. I hesitate to put health care on the list. Hmmm. The part of healthcare that is good here is that it is available, no matter what your income is. What sucks is that generally speaking, the more you can pay, the better care you get. So, while you won't go broke seeking care (or end up with tens of thousands in debt), you may not live through the experience either. I guess this one is kind of a draw.
4. OK...thinking hard now. Think, think think. Ha! Got one! People aren't xenophobes when it comes to bilingualism here. English is taught in the schools, and if you are fluent in English, you're thought pretty highly of. It becomes kind of a status thing. The assumption is that if you are a native English speaker, you are probably wealthy. Stupid assumption, but it's much much better than getting crap from other people for speaking a different language in public. Instead of criticizing you, most people's response is to try to speak to you in English. This is a very, very far cry from the U.S. where bilingualism is almost a sign of treason.
At some point, I'll probably write another post on what things you think should probably be better here, but aren't. For example, being a Muslim in a Muslim country. For a sneak preview, it sucks.
1. Healthy food is cheap, and junk food is expensive. This is so awesome. It's actually cheaper to eat in such a way that is good for you!!! America should learn from this model. Tax the shit out of fast food and soda, and use it to subsidize fresh, organic, natural foods. In Jordan, this arrangement just occurs naturally. Junk food is an American import, basically, so it's just more expensive than eating normally. Eating normally here generally includes a diet of fresh yogurt, lamb, eggs, olives, beans, olive oil, fresh vegetables, etc. Even though something like falafel is really fatty, people seldom gorge on it. Rather, it's one small dish that is served with many other small dishes. In sandwich form, it's served on fresh bread (awesome), with hummous and arabic salad. It's also SO CHEAP. You can fill your stomach for less than 1 JD. That's really hard to do in the U.S., and generally, you'd be eating something horrible for your health on that budget.
2. People really like kids here. It's in the culture. There are children everywhere, and people are so kind in general to all children. God--I just wish they would extend that to fellow adults, and we'd be set.
3. I hesitate to put health care on the list. Hmmm. The part of healthcare that is good here is that it is available, no matter what your income is. What sucks is that generally speaking, the more you can pay, the better care you get. So, while you won't go broke seeking care (or end up with tens of thousands in debt), you may not live through the experience either. I guess this one is kind of a draw.
4. OK...thinking hard now. Think, think think. Ha! Got one! People aren't xenophobes when it comes to bilingualism here. English is taught in the schools, and if you are fluent in English, you're thought pretty highly of. It becomes kind of a status thing. The assumption is that if you are a native English speaker, you are probably wealthy. Stupid assumption, but it's much much better than getting crap from other people for speaking a different language in public. Instead of criticizing you, most people's response is to try to speak to you in English. This is a very, very far cry from the U.S. where bilingualism is almost a sign of treason.
At some point, I'll probably write another post on what things you think should probably be better here, but aren't. For example, being a Muslim in a Muslim country. For a sneak preview, it sucks.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Cold Medicine is GoodGood. I'm probably going to ramble on and on...
I'm cruising on a high of Panadol Cold and Flu, and feeling much better. Salam and I caught some sort of seasonal virus, so he got the pain killer and I got the weird shit that makes you feel good...but weird. Floaty, miss-the-doorway-and-hit-the-doorframe weird. Ouch.
We took him to the doctor, and happily ventured upon one that was trained in the US. Woo hoo! He said that basically, Salam is fine. Some sort of random virus. Then he asked me if I was pregnant. Whhhhaaat? I said, 'no' and that was kind of the end of it. His question is still bothering me though. Why on God's green earth would it matter to my son's virus whether or not I was pregnant? He wasn't prescribing for me, anyway. For God's sake, do I look pregnant? WHAT IS THE CONNECTION? ARGH!!! Ah, just one more thing to keep me awake at night.
That, and reading the news. I need to stop. Anything having to do with Muslims, I read with a feeling of expectant dread. What horrible thing have we done now? Is it terrible that I'm really happy that the mail bombs sent from Greece are from anarchists?
I've been looking for humor in the headlines, and all I can find that is funny is that the new speaker of the House's name is Boehner. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. I said Boehner.
Honestly, I know Americans are angry, but I think y'all over there on that big island need to get some perspective. Yeah, the economy sucks. Understood. Valid point. Be angry about it--and then demand that all the troops come home from all the occupations we've got going. Seriously--enough is enough.
Another thing. This gripe about big government. Y'all make it sound like government regulation is a bad thing. It's not. I promise. When the government allocates no money to regulate stuff, you get things like non-drinkable tap water with reported levels of un-named toxins in it from the poisoned ground and leaking pipes that brings it. You get lots of people who lose their hair for no apparent reason. You get ERs full of children with respiratory problems because of out-of-control levels of air pollution. You get really pitiful health care--unless you have a LOT of money. I mean, a shitload. The gap between the rich and the poor is insurmountable. The poor get poorer and the rich are perfectly happy to pay Stanford's level of tuition to send their kids to a Western-style kindergarten (or at least, that's what it's billed as). You have huge infrastructure problems, and a civil society that is so overwhelmed by stagnant salaries and spiraling inflation, that they can't catch their breath long enough to issue a yell of protest.
I know I'm a green organic-loving bleeding heart liberal Muslim socialist-wannabe, but honestly--things aren't that bad in the US. I'd really like to live there again, assuming that my husband and son won't get lynched by the neighbors. Your roads are nice (except in Pennsylvania). There are health care STANDARDS. Education is not completely out of reach, assuming you don't mind taking on massive debt. Society, overall, is not violent by nature. You have your bullies and such, but you don't expect to have to beat the crap out of people on a regular basis. I mean, people naturally form lines...and stay in them. Cutters are roundly mocked. I LOVE that. It is not yet 'every man for himself' like it is in other parts of the world.
Please don't push it backwards. There is no reason that the US pays twice as much for health care and prescription drugs as all the other industrialized nations in the world. Things can get better if we work together and shut off the media monster that is poisoning the political atmosphere. When I hear people say that Obama is ruining America, I can't take them seriously. The guy inherited a horrible state of affairs and has only been at it for 2 years. Personally, I'm still waiting for him to leave Afghanistan and close Gitmo. Keep the financial reform and build on it. Keep the healthcare bill and build on it. Work on education. Work on jobs. The political qualifications of our elected officials need to be more than, "I'm not a witch." I'm with Stewart--restore sanity.
In the words of Edward R. Morrow (in referring to television--but I think it applies to the internet as well):
This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and even it can inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it's nothing but wires and lights in a box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance, intolerance and indifference. This weapon of television could be useful. Stonewall Jackson, who knew something about the use of weapons, is reported to have said, "When war comes, you must draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." The trouble with television is that it is rusting in the scabbard during a battle for survival.
We took him to the doctor, and happily ventured upon one that was trained in the US. Woo hoo! He said that basically, Salam is fine. Some sort of random virus. Then he asked me if I was pregnant. Whhhhaaat? I said, 'no' and that was kind of the end of it. His question is still bothering me though. Why on God's green earth would it matter to my son's virus whether or not I was pregnant? He wasn't prescribing for me, anyway. For God's sake, do I look pregnant? WHAT IS THE CONNECTION? ARGH!!! Ah, just one more thing to keep me awake at night.
That, and reading the news. I need to stop. Anything having to do with Muslims, I read with a feeling of expectant dread. What horrible thing have we done now? Is it terrible that I'm really happy that the mail bombs sent from Greece are from anarchists?
I've been looking for humor in the headlines, and all I can find that is funny is that the new speaker of the House's name is Boehner. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. I said Boehner.
Honestly, I know Americans are angry, but I think y'all over there on that big island need to get some perspective. Yeah, the economy sucks. Understood. Valid point. Be angry about it--and then demand that all the troops come home from all the occupations we've got going. Seriously--enough is enough.
Another thing. This gripe about big government. Y'all make it sound like government regulation is a bad thing. It's not. I promise. When the government allocates no money to regulate stuff, you get things like non-drinkable tap water with reported levels of un-named toxins in it from the poisoned ground and leaking pipes that brings it. You get lots of people who lose their hair for no apparent reason. You get ERs full of children with respiratory problems because of out-of-control levels of air pollution. You get really pitiful health care--unless you have a LOT of money. I mean, a shitload. The gap between the rich and the poor is insurmountable. The poor get poorer and the rich are perfectly happy to pay Stanford's level of tuition to send their kids to a Western-style kindergarten (or at least, that's what it's billed as). You have huge infrastructure problems, and a civil society that is so overwhelmed by stagnant salaries and spiraling inflation, that they can't catch their breath long enough to issue a yell of protest.
I know I'm a green organic-loving bleeding heart liberal Muslim socialist-wannabe, but honestly--things aren't that bad in the US. I'd really like to live there again, assuming that my husband and son won't get lynched by the neighbors. Your roads are nice (except in Pennsylvania). There are health care STANDARDS. Education is not completely out of reach, assuming you don't mind taking on massive debt. Society, overall, is not violent by nature. You have your bullies and such, but you don't expect to have to beat the crap out of people on a regular basis. I mean, people naturally form lines...and stay in them. Cutters are roundly mocked. I LOVE that. It is not yet 'every man for himself' like it is in other parts of the world.
Please don't push it backwards. There is no reason that the US pays twice as much for health care and prescription drugs as all the other industrialized nations in the world. Things can get better if we work together and shut off the media monster that is poisoning the political atmosphere. When I hear people say that Obama is ruining America, I can't take them seriously. The guy inherited a horrible state of affairs and has only been at it for 2 years. Personally, I'm still waiting for him to leave Afghanistan and close Gitmo. Keep the financial reform and build on it. Keep the healthcare bill and build on it. Work on education. Work on jobs. The political qualifications of our elected officials need to be more than, "I'm not a witch." I'm with Stewart--restore sanity.
In the words of Edward R. Morrow (in referring to television--but I think it applies to the internet as well):
This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and even it can inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it's nothing but wires and lights in a box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance, intolerance and indifference. This weapon of television could be useful. Stonewall Jackson, who knew something about the use of weapons, is reported to have said, "When war comes, you must draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." The trouble with television is that it is rusting in the scabbard during a battle for survival.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Earning the Title
I'm a little bit behind on writing (obviously).
Salam is doing well. With some things he is driving me nuts, and with others, he's so much fun to be around. On the dark side, because he has step-siblings who call me Beth, he thinks it's great fun to imitate and also address me by my first name. I've gotten control of my reactions now, but after the initial heartbreak I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I called my husband crying about it. Like, sobbing. Yes, my period is here and I'm emotional. However, it just felt really horrible; like, I've gone through this much and gone this far just to lose the title of Mommy? I really love being a Mommy and would probably have a mess of kids if our situation was different.
I also found out that my little guy is quite sensitive for a 16.5 month old. The morning I called my husband sobbing, he apparently spend his time at daycare depressed! The woman in charge of his little group said that he wasn't really interested in playing that day and was just really quiet. THAT broke my heart even more than him referring to me as 'Beth,' so I decided to just suck it up. I need to be more sensitive to him. Though he's still an adorable tiny little guy, he is sad when Mommy is sad. God--I feel bad for not catching on sooner. What is it about parenthood where you are always one step behind the curve on their development? Anyways, I'm going to have my stepkids start calling me Umm Salam at least (it's considered impolite here anyway to address me by my first name) and hopefully Salam will drop the first name usage. In the meantime, I just don't respond if he says Beth, or I gently ask him, "can you say Mommy?" And he is happy to oblige.
On happier fronts, he loves to dance and has a variety of moves. For language, instead of 'bye bye' he says 'butt.' He can say 'water' both in English and Arabic (though they are both slightly wrong--'wa-duh' and 'mun,' respectively. He can count to 4 in English perfectly (and sometimes further) and up to 3 in Arabic, though they both require different kinds of promptings. When he sees an older male, he calls them 'bah-bo' instead of 'am-moh' (uncle). It's awesome because it's so close to 'bobo,' meaning "baby." The confused looks of the older men are so worth it. He is also really stepping up his game with the alphabet. We have read Dr. Seuss's alphabet book countless times, so now he points to many of the pages and can say the letters without prompting. He recently mastered saying the letters L, M, N, O, and S, in addition to B, D, E, and G. The letter P is coming, because he says the word "people" perfectly.
We love to cuddle. Almost every night, he falls asleep in my lap. Every morning, he wakes me up with a big hug. Either that, or hitting the headboard repeatedly to get my attention. Having a mostly absent husband sucks, but having Salam around is excellent compensation.
Salam is doing well. With some things he is driving me nuts, and with others, he's so much fun to be around. On the dark side, because he has step-siblings who call me Beth, he thinks it's great fun to imitate and also address me by my first name. I've gotten control of my reactions now, but after the initial heartbreak I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I called my husband crying about it. Like, sobbing. Yes, my period is here and I'm emotional. However, it just felt really horrible; like, I've gone through this much and gone this far just to lose the title of Mommy? I really love being a Mommy and would probably have a mess of kids if our situation was different.
I also found out that my little guy is quite sensitive for a 16.5 month old. The morning I called my husband sobbing, he apparently spend his time at daycare depressed! The woman in charge of his little group said that he wasn't really interested in playing that day and was just really quiet. THAT broke my heart even more than him referring to me as 'Beth,' so I decided to just suck it up. I need to be more sensitive to him. Though he's still an adorable tiny little guy, he is sad when Mommy is sad. God--I feel bad for not catching on sooner. What is it about parenthood where you are always one step behind the curve on their development? Anyways, I'm going to have my stepkids start calling me Umm Salam at least (it's considered impolite here anyway to address me by my first name) and hopefully Salam will drop the first name usage. In the meantime, I just don't respond if he says Beth, or I gently ask him, "can you say Mommy?" And he is happy to oblige.
On happier fronts, he loves to dance and has a variety of moves. For language, instead of 'bye bye' he says 'butt.' He can say 'water' both in English and Arabic (though they are both slightly wrong--'wa-duh' and 'mun,' respectively. He can count to 4 in English perfectly (and sometimes further) and up to 3 in Arabic, though they both require different kinds of promptings. When he sees an older male, he calls them 'bah-bo' instead of 'am-moh' (uncle). It's awesome because it's so close to 'bobo,' meaning "baby." The confused looks of the older men are so worth it. He is also really stepping up his game with the alphabet. We have read Dr. Seuss's alphabet book countless times, so now he points to many of the pages and can say the letters without prompting. He recently mastered saying the letters L, M, N, O, and S, in addition to B, D, E, and G. The letter P is coming, because he says the word "people" perfectly.
We love to cuddle. Almost every night, he falls asleep in my lap. Every morning, he wakes me up with a big hug. Either that, or hitting the headboard repeatedly to get my attention. Having a mostly absent husband sucks, but having Salam around is excellent compensation.
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