Losing Elias?

Hi there. It's been a while. But since I find myself at home on bedrest, what else should I do but pour out my heart on my silly blog?

I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant. Four days ago, I started spotting pink/peach. This is after I had been spotting brownish goop for a while. After we had picked out a name for the baby. The brownish stuff didn't worry me. I had felt fine, just tired and pregnant. I thought it was my UTI, which my doctor had classified as "barely there."

I went to the military hospital here in Amman. While it lacks resources, it usually has good equipment and very experienced doctors. This is in contrast to every single private sector doctor I have been to here which usually take a lot of money, give conflicting advice, and tend to misdiagnose me all at the same time.

The doctors said I have a "threatened abortion," and that there isn't a lot that can be done. They gave me 50-50 odds of the pregnancy continuing.

That was yesterday. Today, I have really heavy cramps, serious lower back pain, loss of appetite, and my discharge is getting redder, with some small clumps included. It's not looking so good for my little Elias. I'm also fighting the occasional fever, apparently another symptom of miscarriage. He is still alive and kicking as far as I'm aware. I can't understand why my body is doing this. I feel betrayed, terrified, confused, and lost. It's hard for me to trust doctors here.

My old doctor failed to see that my baby was dead the last time I miscarried, and put me on progesterone and a host of other things to keep the baby in. When I started bleeding in a big way, I knew it was over. We went to the military hospital instead, who said my baby had been dead for a week. It was one of the worse experiences of my life. I feel like I'm reliving it all over again.

This pregnancy was going so well, then suddenly a week ago, everything started to go wrong. What is wrong with my body? How did I fail?

Will I ever be able to give my son a sibling?

I know, I haven't lost Elias yet. But the signs are all there...it's difficult to ignore them and "be positive" like everyone says. Especially having traveled this road before.

Sending my baby love.