Check, check, one, two.

Why is it that I can spend time feeling like both a success and a failure at this whole life gig?

Marriage: check. Overall, good. Ups and downs, but thankfully, mostly ups. Difficult context--wouldn't have necessarily chosen Jordan, but that's what happens when you marry a Jordanian.

Work: check. Much the same assessment. Ups and downs, but mostly ups. Wouldn't have chosen this field, but I couldn't ask for better hours or flexibility. I guess that's what happens when you want to spend most of the day with your kid, but need to bring in some money, too.

Health: check, I guess. Still waiting on a diagnosis for whatever caused my last miscarriage. I saw a specialist and now we're testing. I really want to try to give Salam a sibling. Hope my body is up to it.

Interpersonal interactions: suck. I'm a shy and rather sensitive person. If I feel like I offended anyone, I feel terrible. Can't really deal with conflict unless I feel totally safe with whom I'm fighting. Therefore I tend to avoid people in general. Kind of weird overall. I wish I could change this about myself.

Parenting: OK, I guess. I'm doing my best. Sometimes I do great. Sometimes I fuck up. Hopefully I won't screw up anyone in the process. Love my kiddo a lot, and feel grateful for him every day.

Sense of humor: intact. Especially when Salam tells me every time he farts ("Mommy, fart?"), or just walks up to me in the kitchen and says, "dammit." I'm like, "yeah, I feel that way, too." (Mental note: stop swearing in front of him).

I feel grateful, worried, anxious (health stuff, spousal absences, general life pressures), and miss my family a lot. I guess the good thing is that things never stay the same. I'm sure our context will change a couple years in the future, and hopefully it will bring some good things.

Recovery and Uncertainty

Though I still think about what happened every free moment, it's starting to devastate me less. I can think logically, and without crying. The problem now is that I can't stop trying to find causes or answers as to the big, fat WHY that is eating me up inside. I've Googled and Googled and read through blogs, forums, medical journals, grief websites...in short, the works. So, why would I go into labor in the second trimester during an otherwise healthy pregnancy?

Could be cervical incompetence. Maybe I have fibroids, or a clot that caused a bleed, irritated my uterus, and caused me to go into labor. Maybe I have a symptomless uterine infection.

My first investigation appointment is on June 22nd, and I can barely wait.

Sometimes, when I get ahead of myself, I think about how fall is a nice time to conceive. I'll have waited the requisite 3 months (the average minimum recommended waiting time) yet not longer than 6 months (recent studies have shown higher success rates the sooner couples try again...the longer they wait, the less successful their attempts are).

Then I remember that my husband may not be here. If he's in Sudan, and I get put on bedrest or God forbid, have yet another miscarriage, who would take care of Salam? Who would bring groceries? The least that could be said is that bedrest would be out of the question. But if I got admitted to the hospital, Salam would be alone. That can't happen.

I hate that none of this is in my hands. I hate that I don't know when my husband will be going and when he will be returning. I wish those fuckers who make these decisions would at least give us a ballpark figure.

In other news, Salam had croup (or something like it) last week. Now he's teething his molars. Poor kiddo isn't eating a whole lot. I'm pushing the fluids though, so at least he's happy on that count. It's been a hell of a month.