Indiana Beth

Check, check, one, two.

2011-06-23T11:17:00.005-05:00

Why is it that I can spend time feeling like both a success and a failure at this whole life gig?

Marriage: check. Overall, good. Ups and downs, but thankfully, mostly ups. Difficult context--wouldn't have necessarily chosen Jordan, but that's what happens when you marry a Jordanian.

Work: check. Much the same assessment. Ups and downs, but mostly ups. Wouldn't have chosen this field, but I couldn't ask for better hours or flexibility. I guess that's what happens when you want to spend most of the day with your kid, but need to bring in some money, too.

Health: check, I guess. Still waiting on a diagnosis for whatever caused my last miscarriage. I saw a specialist and now we're testing. I really want to try to give Salam a sibling. Hope my body is up to it.

Interpersonal interactions: suck. I'm a shy and rather sensitive person. If I feel like I offended anyone, I feel terrible. Can't really deal with conflict unless I feel totally safe with whom I'm fighting. Therefore I tend to avoid people in general. Kind of weird overall. I wish I could change this about myself.

Parenting: OK, I guess. I'm doing my best. Sometimes I do great. Sometimes I fuck up. Hopefully I won't screw up anyone in the process. Love my kiddo a lot, and feel grateful for him every day.

Sense of humor: intact. Especially when Salam tells me every time he farts ("Mommy, fart?"), or just walks up to me in the kitchen and says, "dammit." I'm like, "yeah, I feel that way, too." (Mental note: stop swearing in front of him).

I feel grateful, worried, anxious (health stuff, spousal absences, general life pressures), and miss my family a lot. I guess the good thing is that things never stay the same. I'm sure our context will change a couple years in the future, and hopefully it will bring some good things.

Recovery and Uncertainty

2011-06-05T11:55:00.002-05:00

Though I still think about what happened every free moment, it's starting to devastate me less. I can think logically, and without crying. The problem now is that I can't stop trying to find causes or answers as to the big, fat WHY that is eating me up inside. I've Googled and Googled and read through blogs, forums, medical journals, grief websites...in short, the works. So, why would I go into labor in the second trimester during an otherwise healthy pregnancy?

Could be cervical incompetence. Maybe I have fibroids, or a clot that caused a bleed, irritated my uterus, and caused me to go into labor. Maybe I have a symptomless uterine infection.

My first investigation appointment is on June 22nd, and I can barely wait.

Sometimes, when I get ahead of myself, I think about how fall is a nice time to conceive. I'll have waited the requisite 3 months (the average minimum recommended waiting time) yet not longer than 6 months (recent studies have shown higher success rates the sooner couples try again...the longer they wait, the less successful their attempts are).

Then I remember that my husband may not be here. If he's in Sudan, and I get put on bedrest or God forbid, have yet another miscarriage, who would take care of Salam? Who would bring groceries? The least that could be said is that bedrest would be out of the question. But if I got admitted to the hospital, Salam would be alone. That can't happen.

I hate that none of this is in my hands. I hate that I don't know when my husband will be going and when he will be returning. I wish those fuckers who make these decisions would at least give us a ballpark figure.

In other news, Salam had croup (or something like it) last week. Now he's teething his molars. Poor kiddo isn't eating a whole lot. I'm pushing the fluids though, so at least he's happy on that count. It's been a hell of a month.

To Elias, with Love.

2011-05-25T12:12:00.003-05:00

Wherever you are now, baby. I'm thinking of you and sending you love. And I just want to say that I'm so so sorry that I couldn't give you the life that you deserve. I still don't know what went wrong, but I promise that I will find out. What happened to you wasn't fair and I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from it. Next time, for any brothers or sisters of yours that may come, I promise that I will do better. I will find a better doctor. I will make them test and look at everything, and I will make them lose sleep at night until they fix my problem, and if they let me down, I'm going to make them wish they'd never gotten a medical license.

I had gotten out all the baby clothes for you, and had cleaned the crib for your arrival. We were so excited and were just waiting for the day that we could see you for the first time (ultrasounds don't count). I was planning on kissing your little feet, singing to you, and carrying you everywhere I went. I was going to put a baby swing in the kitchen so you could be with me while I cook. You and Salam would have been so close. Two peas in a pod, both of you unique. I was going to get a room ready for the both of you. I was going to hand-make you a baby quilt with owls on it. I was going to pain the ceiling of your room with clouds, moons, and stars, so that as you went to sleep every night, you would know how much I love you.

I'm so sorry this didn't happen. You were so strong, and you fought so hard to come. Wherever you are, please find your older brother Pasha. Tell him we love him too. Tell him that it's ok he didn't make it either, and that it's not his fault. I love you both and I'll see you someday. Your grandpa is up there. He has lots of stories and jokes to tell you in the meantime. I'll never forget you, and when I die, I promise I'll find you.

Love,

Mommy

Ups and Downs, But Mostly Nothing.

2011-05-19T23:35:00.002-05:00

Well, nothing to report.

Lower back pain, crampy, tired, sometimes nauseated. Fun! The discharge is the same, but perhaps more of it with more water included. Is my body trying to wash out a clot or a polyp? I can only hope that this is the issue. Maybe it's trying to wash out my UTI--unbeknowest to me until 12 hours ago, can cause pre-term labor. Why did all these doctors not treat it right away? I spent two months with this freaking thing. "Just drink water," they said. Gallons and gallons later, I still have the UTI. Thank God it's being treated now.

They put me on a full-spectrum antibiotic until my urine culture comes back, then they're going to put me on a specific antibiotic to kill that miserable sonofabitch bacteria that's jacking everything up. Sunday is the big day. I just have to get through two more days of bedrest and waiting. WEEEE. At least I'll have my husband around to help me. Thank God for small favors. I could actually spend the time in bed then instead of removing knives from the hands of my two-year-old as he runs away from me.

This spotting crap is getting me down. It's not going away, but just continuing as if it's going to be my constant companion. My one comfort is that the doctor said it's "not true vaginal bleeding," and "my cervix is closed and the baby is doing well." Sounds hopeful, right?

Maybe my cervix or placenta is just irritated from my untreated UTI. I wonder if this could happen. It sure would explain the back pain. Maybe the infection is in my kidneys and that's why I feel like I ruptured a disc. Maybe my urethra is on fire and that's why I'm having lower abdominal pain, too.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

My hopes are up for Sunday. Hang in there, Elias. You're loved! You're wanted!

Don't go.

Losing Elias?

2011-05-19T03:57:00.004-05:00

Hi there. It's been a while. But since I find myself at home on bedrest, what else should I do but pour out my heart on my silly blog?

I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant. Four days ago, I started spotting pink/peach. This is after I had been spotting brownish goop for a while. After we had picked out a name for the baby. The brownish stuff didn't worry me. I had felt fine, just tired and pregnant. I thought it was my UTI, which my doctor had classified as "barely there."

I went to the military hospital here in Amman. While it lacks resources, it usually has good equipment and very experienced doctors. This is in contrast to every single private sector doctor I have been to here which usually take a lot of money, give conflicting advice, and tend to misdiagnose me all at the same time.

The doctors said I have a "threatened abortion," and that there isn't a lot that can be done. They gave me 50-50 odds of the pregnancy continuing.

That was yesterday. Today, I have really heavy cramps, serious lower back pain, loss of appetite, and my discharge is getting redder, with some small clumps included. It's not looking so good for my little Elias. I'm also fighting the occasional fever, apparently another symptom of miscarriage. He is still alive and kicking as far as I'm aware. I can't understand why my body is doing this. I feel betrayed, terrified, confused, and lost. It's hard for me to trust doctors here.

My old doctor failed to see that my baby was dead the last time I miscarried, and put me on progesterone and a host of other things to keep the baby in. When I started bleeding in a big way, I knew it was over. We went to the military hospital instead, who said my baby had been dead for a week. It was one of the worse experiences of my life. I feel like I'm reliving it all over again.

This pregnancy was going so well, then suddenly a week ago, everything started to go wrong. What is wrong with my body? How did I fail?

Will I ever be able to give my son a sibling?

I know, I haven't lost Elias yet. But the signs are all there...it's difficult to ignore them and "be positive" like everyone says. Especially having traveled this road before.

Sending my baby love.

Driving in Jordan: A Beginner's Guide

2011-03-24T05:04:00.002-05:00

There isn't much to be done to prepare one for the experience, but here are a few handy tips that may come in useful.

1. "Oh-no-they-didn't!!" Oh, yes they did. Next time, expect it.

2. Turn lanes. People may turn. They may go straight. Sometimes they stop. Just go around them (slowly) and try to get where you need to be.

3. Your best weapons are your car horn and your brake. You'll learn to drive with one hand on the horn. Not only useful in telling people they're stupid, feel free to honk on any occasion where you feel that someone isn't looking and may just be heading straight for you.

4. Lanes. Forget about them. They just aren't important and will probably get you killed. Your best bet is to follow the largest truck possible in front of you--unless it's a bus. Never follow a bus, or even drive near one. Bus drivers are possibly the worst drivers in Jordan.

5. Lanes, 2. Don't worry about merging. Also, don't be surprised if a 5 "lane" road, after a stop light, suddenly becomes 2 lanes (or vice versa). This isn't bothering anyone else, so don't let it bother you. Just go slower if necessary. If you end up at the back of the pack, even better.

6. Pedestrians. These are sometimes more hazardous than fellow drivers. They will walk out in front of you, even if they're jay walking across a highway where everyone is going about 50mph. Expect it. Also, they don't often look where they're going. That girl in skinny jeans? She just assumes that you see her and that you will make way. She's gonna take her sweet time, whether you honk and swear at her, or not.

7. Parking. Park anywhere where your car will probably not get hit by oncoming traffic, and where there's not a police officer visible, writing tickets. Except downtown--they write a lot of tickets there about any time of day.

That's all for now.

Still Alive and Kicking in Jordan

2011-02-24T02:15:00.002-05:00

It's an exciting time to be in the Middle East. Things are calm here in Jordan, and I sincerely doubt that this will change, barring something horrible happening.

My heart is with those in Libya. Their dictator isn't even rational and seems to have no problem with killing them all. No shame. No decency. He makes Mubarak look like a gentleman.

Salam is doing well. Poor kiddo fell off a kitchen chair and fractured his nose recently. He looks a bit more like a bruiser now. Initially he cried for a couple of minutes, but there was no blood, so we didn't think about it. The next day his nose was quite puffy, purple, and runny, so we took him to the hospital. After seeing three specialists, they said that there wasn't really anything to be done, and thankfully he didn't seem to have any problems with his cartilage or any dangerous clots. So, we are supposed to take him back on Monday for a re-check. Here's hoping it goes well.

We finally bought a car. Now, my biggest challenge is learning to drive in a country where you should expect everyone to break the rules all the time. Expect the unexpected. It's taking me a while to get the hang of. I have plenty of experience as a driver, but nothing in the US prepared me for driving in Amman. So, it's me and my '93 Mitsubishi against the world.

I'm improving as a cook. Apparently, there are now several dishes I can make flawlessly. I've mastered molokhia, magloubeh, and kebsa. I think my malfouf is pretty killer too, but ever since I was pregnant with Salam, I can't stand the smell of cooked cabbage. Poor hubby loves the stuff, so it means he's now deprived. :)

More later.

Spontaneous Human Reductivism

2010-11-28T13:37:00.003-05:00

I was reading this post about how the term "mommy blogger" is pretty much considered universally derisive. And it's true. Somehow as a society, it has been collectively determined that being a mother (or God forbid, talking about it) is the most valueless thing a person can do. I feel that it's sad to state the obvious--mothers are needed, wanted, and do the most important work in society: raising the next generation. It's the species, stupid!

Just because someone is a mother does not mean that they are an idiot. Far from it. Some of the very best mothers I know are very highly educated people. When I am teaching Salam, I know that I actually am putting my education to good use. Not just in the basics of teaching him sounds and letters--but in interpreting the world around him to make it safer/better/more beneficial. Everything from doctors, diagnoses, sicknesses, nutrition, evaluation of schools, managing bilingualism, choosing learning tools, etc. This is BY FAR the most challenging thing I have ever done--grad school shmad school. Motherhood is hands-down more challenging, more stressful, and more rewarding.

Why is it still considered a 'radical act' to make your voice heard if you are a woman? In the Middle East, it is very apparent that it is a man's world, and that you need to stay in place or it's SHAMEFUL. If only Jordanians could have seen me in art school. They would have all withered with fright (or endlessly disparaged me as a whore while wanting to date me). The 'West' is a bit farther ahead in the toning-down-the-patriarchy bit, but only by degrees. Women still make less than men. Motherhood is still considered 'doing nothing' with your life. Women are still judged by looks more than talent/productivity. Your career takes a hit should you dare to actually start a family.

Really, it's tiring. You know how you feel when you are being managed by someone, and you are more capable than them? Yeah, that's how it feels.

I used to be timid, and give society what it wanted. A quiet, hardworking person who was great at preserving every ego in the room. I'm different now, thank God. I am not afraid to tell people to piss off or shut up anymore. It's ok. It feels good and means that I get to keep my self respect (at last!). If I were a man, it would be considered assertive. Since I'm a woman, it's considered bitchy. Here's me giving a damn.

Just when you couldn't lower your expectations more...

2010-11-19T14:09:00.002-05:00

There is something about entering one's 30's where you start to feel like your dreams are on their (collective) deathbeds. You basically sprint through your 20's just achieving like all get-out, and two (liberal arts = useless) degrees later, you're working in a different field stuck in this ungodly holding pattern wondering how you tripped and fell into a whole so deep that you can kiss the rest of your life goodbye.

Maybe that's a little overly dramatic. Or, maybe it's something that only women have to deal with. Before you jump down my throat, grab on to your panties for a second. MEN get to have both families AND careers. No questions asked. For women, that first time you get pregnant and have a kid is like the kiss of death for any sort of career advancement. Not that I want to advance in my current field. It's either change fields, get a full-time job, and throw my child to the wolves of daycare, or, just suck it up. Yeah, my kiddo needs me, so I'm doing a lot of the sucking it up and it's making this giant vacuum noise in my head where all my dreams used to be. I'd freaking love to still be an oil painter, but I just can't seem to fucking make it work. No matter how I twist, push, pull and torture my schedule, everyone else comes first. Assholes. Actually working in a field that is relevant to my degree would require me to sacrifice my time with my son and would hence substantially limit my ability to communicate with him in my native tongue. Not to mention that it would deprive kiddo of his mommy and deprive me of the most beautiful thing I have in life--my son.

I'm pretty much hanging on to my husband's mantra of, "things are not going to stay like this," hoping that it's true in the sense that things may get better. Things may just go ahead and get worse, actually. Like that horrible spell from February to June where I was pregnant, horrifically ill, and had only minimal contact with my husband even while I was in the process of losing the baby. I never, ever, ever, ever want to relive that. Ever.

Our current situation is somewhat better, but only in that I'm not pregnant and horrifically ill. All the other factors are still the same. No money. No husband. No car. Isolated. Fuck!

There has to be something better coming, rather than endless rounds of dishpan hands. People who owe my husband money need to fucking pay him. Then, we need to buy a car. We need this badly, as then my husband will be able to request some sort of transfer within the police where he will be able to sleep at home again. His current position provides a car, but also deprives me of my spouse. So, yeah. Get a car. Once those two things happen, I'll be a much happier, much less angry person. Then, I probably won't be so exhausted at night from the stress and worry of being alone, moneyless and transportationless in a foreign country, that I can actually stay up to paint. If I do that enough, maybe I could *gasp* actually get my work in a gallery in Amman. Motherfuckers. Arrrrgghhhhh!!!! Tired! Of! This!

Postitive Thinking in Four Points

2010-11-14T13:25:00.003-05:00

Things are OK. I'm pretty frustrated on a regular basis with life here. As I told my husband the other day, it's not that two or three things suck and annoy you to no end. It's that everything sucks and annoys you to no end. Perhaps that's exaggerating. Jordan does have a couple of good things over America. I shall compose a (very) short list.

1. Healthy food is cheap, and junk food is expensive. This is so awesome. It's actually cheaper to eat in such a way that is good for you!!! America should learn from this model. Tax the shit out of fast food and soda, and use it to subsidize fresh, organic, natural foods. In Jordan, this arrangement just occurs naturally. Junk food is an American import, basically, so it's just more expensive than eating normally. Eating normally here generally includes a diet of fresh yogurt, lamb, eggs, olives, beans, olive oil, fresh vegetables, etc. Even though something like falafel is really fatty, people seldom gorge on it. Rather, it's one small dish that is served with many other small dishes. In sandwich form, it's served on fresh bread (awesome), with hummous and arabic salad. It's also SO CHEAP. You can fill your stomach for less than 1 JD. That's really hard to do in the U.S., and generally, you'd be eating something horrible for your health on that budget.

2. People really like kids here. It's in the culture. There are children everywhere, and people are so kind in general to all children. God--I just wish they would extend that to fellow adults, and we'd be set.

3. I hesitate to put health care on the list. Hmmm. The part of healthcare that is good here is that it is available, no matter what your income is. What sucks is that generally speaking, the more you can pay, the better care you get. So, while you won't go broke seeking care (or end up with tens of thousands in debt), you may not live through the experience either. I guess this one is kind of a draw.

4. OK...thinking hard now. Think, think think. Ha! Got one! People aren't xenophobes when it comes to bilingualism here. English is taught in the schools, and if you are fluent in English, you're thought pretty highly of. It becomes kind of a status thing. The assumption is that if you are a native English speaker, you are probably wealthy. Stupid assumption, but it's much much better than getting crap from other people for speaking a different language in public. Instead of criticizing you, most people's response is to try to speak to you in English. This is a very, very far cry from the U.S. where bilingualism is almost a sign of treason.

At some point, I'll probably write another post on what things you think should probably be better here, but aren't. For example, being a Muslim in a Muslim country. For a sneak preview, it sucks.

Cold Medicine is GoodGood. I'm probably going to ramble on and on...

2010-11-04T13:49:00.004-05:00

I'm cruising on a high of Panadol Cold and Flu, and feeling much better. Salam and I caught some sort of seasonal virus, so he got the pain killer and I got the weird shit that makes you feel good...but weird. Floaty, miss-the-doorway-and-hit-the-doorframe weird. Ouch.

We took him to the doctor, and happily ventured upon one that was trained in the US. Woo hoo! He said that basically, Salam is fine. Some sort of random virus. Then he asked me if I was pregnant. Whhhhaaat? I said, 'no' and that was kind of the end of it. His question is still bothering me though. Why on God's green earth would it matter to my son's virus whether or not I was pregnant? He wasn't prescribing for me, anyway. For God's sake, do I look pregnant? WHAT IS THE CONNECTION? ARGH!!! Ah, just one more thing to keep me awake at night.

That, and reading the news. I need to stop. Anything having to do with Muslims, I read with a feeling of expectant dread. What horrible thing have we done now? Is it terrible that I'm really happy that the mail bombs sent from Greece are from anarchists?

I've been looking for humor in the headlines, and all I can find that is funny is that the new speaker of the House's name is Boehner. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. I said Boehner.

Honestly, I know Americans are angry, but I think y'all over there on that big island need to get some perspective. Yeah, the economy sucks. Understood. Valid point. Be angry about it--and then demand that all the troops come home from all the occupations we've got going. Seriously--enough is enough.

Another thing. This gripe about big government. Y'all make it sound like government regulation is a bad thing. It's not. I promise. When the government allocates no money to regulate stuff, you get things like non-drinkable tap water with reported levels of un-named toxins in it from the poisoned ground and leaking pipes that brings it. You get lots of people who lose their hair for no apparent reason. You get ERs full of children with respiratory problems because of out-of-control levels of air pollution. You get really pitiful health care--unless you have a LOT of money. I mean, a shitload. The gap between the rich and the poor is insurmountable. The poor get poorer and the rich are perfectly happy to pay Stanford's level of tuition to send their kids to a Western-style kindergarten (or at least, that's what it's billed as). You have huge infrastructure problems, and a civil society that is so overwhelmed by stagnant salaries and spiraling inflation, that they can't catch their breath long enough to issue a yell of protest.

I know I'm a green organic-loving bleeding heart liberal Muslim socialist-wannabe, but honestly--things aren't that bad in the US. I'd really like to live there again, assuming that my husband and son won't get lynched by the neighbors. Your roads are nice (except in Pennsylvania). There are health care STANDARDS. Education is not completely out of reach, assuming you don't mind taking on massive debt. Society, overall, is not violent by nature. You have your bullies and such, but you don't expect to have to beat the crap out of people on a regular basis. I mean, people naturally form lines...and stay in them. Cutters are roundly mocked. I LOVE that. It is not yet 'every man for himself' like it is in other parts of the world.

Please don't push it backwards. There is no reason that the US pays twice as much for health care and prescription drugs as all the other industrialized nations in the world. Things can get better if we work together and shut off the media monster that is poisoning the political atmosphere. When I hear people say that Obama is ruining America, I can't take them seriously. The guy inherited a horrible state of affairs and has only been at it for 2 years. Personally, I'm still waiting for him to leave Afghanistan and close Gitmo. Keep the financial reform and build on it. Keep the healthcare bill and build on it. Work on education. Work on jobs. The political qualifications of our elected officials need to be more than, "I'm not a witch." I'm with Stewart--restore sanity.

In the words of Edward R. Morrow (in referring to television--but I think it applies to the internet as well):

This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and even it can inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it's nothing but wires and lights in a box. There is a great and perhaps decisive battle to be fought against ignorance, intolerance and indifference. This weapon of television could be useful. Stonewall Jackson, who knew something about the use of weapons, is reported to have said, "When war comes, you must draw the sword and throw away the scabbard." The trouble with television is that it is rusting in the scabbard during a battle for survival.

Earning the Title

2010-11-03T04:57:00.003-05:00

I'm a little bit behind on writing (obviously).

Salam is doing well. With some things he is driving me nuts, and with others, he's so much fun to be around. On the dark side, because he has step-siblings who call me Beth, he thinks it's great fun to imitate and also address me by my first name. I've gotten control of my reactions now, but after the initial heartbreak I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I called my husband crying about it. Like, sobbing. Yes, my period is here and I'm emotional. However, it just felt really horrible; like, I've gone through this much and gone this far just to lose the title of Mommy? I really love being a Mommy and would probably have a mess of kids if our situation was different.

I also found out that my little guy is quite sensitive for a 16.5 month old. The morning I called my husband sobbing, he apparently spend his time at daycare depressed! The woman in charge of his little group said that he wasn't really interested in playing that day and was just really quiet. THAT broke my heart even more than him referring to me as 'Beth,' so I decided to just suck it up. I need to be more sensitive to him. Though he's still an adorable tiny little guy, he is sad when Mommy is sad. God--I feel bad for not catching on sooner. What is it about parenthood where you are always one step behind the curve on their development? Anyways, I'm going to have my stepkids start calling me Umm Salam at least (it's considered impolite here anyway to address me by my first name) and hopefully Salam will drop the first name usage. In the meantime, I just don't respond if he says Beth, or I gently ask him, "can you say Mommy?" And he is happy to oblige.

On happier fronts, he loves to dance and has a variety of moves. For language, instead of 'bye bye' he says 'butt.' He can say 'water' both in English and Arabic (though they are both slightly wrong--'wa-duh' and 'mun,' respectively. He can count to 4 in English perfectly (and sometimes further) and up to 3 in Arabic, though they both require different kinds of promptings. When he sees an older male, he calls them 'bah-bo' instead of 'am-moh' (uncle). It's awesome because it's so close to 'bobo,' meaning "baby." The confused looks of the older men are so worth it. He is also really stepping up his game with the alphabet. We have read Dr. Seuss's alphabet book countless times, so now he points to many of the pages and can say the letters without prompting. He recently mastered saying the letters L, M, N, O, and S, in addition to B, D, E, and G. The letter P is coming, because he says the word "people" perfectly.

We love to cuddle. Almost every night, he falls asleep in my lap. Every morning, he wakes me up with a big hug. Either that, or hitting the headboard repeatedly to get my attention. Having a mostly absent husband sucks, but having Salam around is excellent compensation.

Oh, Lebanon.

2010-10-14T01:32:00.002-05:00

Iran's President Ahmadinejad's visit to Lebanon is disturbing, to say the least. I hope it's not some sort of Hezbollah pep rally for any upcoming conflict, but it has definitely turned heads and ramped up speculation. It's not often that a head of state goes to visit the unofficial army of another state, and refuses to even have an official state convoy, instead opting for his own personal entourage.

I guess we're about due, again. It's as if Israel has a rotation policy in regards to conflict: south, north, south, north. The causes of Israel's wrath never seem to feel legitimate--they are so small, and usually not something the "states" in question can entirely control--small border skirmishes; a rocket here and there. Things that Israel "tolerates" for years without flipping out. It seems much more likely that Israel just needs to be in a constant state of war with its neighbors so it can justify its existence, based upon policies of apartheid and ethnic cleansing.

"Israeli polls and surveys reveal that Israeli society and government are less tolerant than ever of views that oppose the government stance, which is held by the mainstream."

Seeing as how any efforts at peace are unwanted by the Israeli side (i.e., freezing settlement construction), or are accompanied by humiliating demands upon the Palestinians (having to swear a loyalty oath), and that the U.S. simply lacks the political will to stop selling arms to the Israelis...what are people living here to do?

Jordan, Syria, and Lebanon really need to get their shit together and construct a regional evacuation scheme should any of the major cities in these countries come under bombardment. Preferably something underground and secret so that the Israelis can pre-emptively bomb it to hell, should conflict spread. Something like the Gaza tunnels to Egypt, but simply for evacuation purposes.

When I was in Lebanon in 2006, one of the first things the Israelis did was to cut off any routes of escape for the populations. Roads, bridges, and airports were the first things to be bombed. The sea was blockaded. We were effectively trapped, unless your government proved to be particularly outstanding at negotiating an evacuation of its own citizens.

Since the governments of the Levant seem to be unable to protect themselves and would certainly be swallowed up in a regional conflict, the LEAST that could be done is to protect the innocent. Store food. Provide shelter. The populations of these countries are incredibly young, overall. I don't have any statistics, but off-hand, there are a lot of children to be protected and spared the agony of seeing their parents killed, their homes destroyed, and their city come under continued aerial bombardment.

Please. Just have a plan. ANY plan. And make it regional. Israel bombs Lebanon, have Syria open its borders to refugees. Fine, search for weapons and have them left at the border, but I think a van carrying a family with 8 kids isn't going to pose any threats. Israel bombs Jordan, have Syria open its borders. Israel bombs Syria, both Lebanon and Jordan should open their borders. Maybe have some sort of designated transportation that is protected by internationals. UN anyone? Hmmm. As if that stopped the Israelis before...

Good Times, Good Times

2010-10-05T03:34:00.002-05:00

I'm still in a good mood! Woooo hoooooo!

1. Started doing artwork again. FINALLY.
2. Stopped reading the news. My little bubble of denial is a much happier place.
3. Planning our visit to the USA!!!

These three factors, all combined, are lifting my spirits a lot. Hopefully I'll finish the piece that I'm working on and post it here.

WTF?

2010-09-29T03:23:00.002-05:00

I feel...happy...today. Like, in a good mood. The same things that sucked in my life yesterday still suck, but I feel ok about it today.

Must be the weather. Sunny, not as dusty, and cooler. Not autumnal precisely, but at least it's not 95 degrees out.

I'm also looking forward to our trip back to the states in December. OH my God. I'm way too excited about it. I'll try not to kiss the ground when I get there. Being away from one's home country for over two years is no joke. I hold the people that spend their lives away from their home countries in a kind of awe. The personal strength that they have is truly not something to be taken lightly. To say that it gives one 'character' is an understatement.

I composed a list of things to take back to Jordan with us, and it's a bit extensive. I hope my husband doesn't mind hitting all the after-Christmas sales. Poor man. It's going to be an avalanche of good ole' fashioned shopping madness. Never again will I search in vain for a sharpie!

Asinine Autumnal Accolades

2010-09-23T00:47:00.003-05:00

Alliteration?

Anyways.

It rained yesterday...kind of. Then, later in the early evening, what appeared to be fog slowly floated over the city. However, instead of being composed of moisture, it was actually composed of suspended particles of dust. I walked into my kitchen an hour after I cleaned it, and everything was covered in a fine, brown film.

I wouldn't call it a dust storm because there was no wind. It was like the G.I. Joe cartoon episode where the jello monster was attacking a city. It just slowly moved and engulfed everything. In the end, they killed it with apple seeds. I don't know what would kill a dust monster.

Well played, Jordan.

Office Paint and Street Morality

2010-09-20T01:45:00.004-05:00

I found out yesterday that the other girls in the office are complaining about me. I found this strange because I actually work in an entirely different office from most of them, and don't generally interact except out of necessity. Things were not intentionally set up this way. I work in marketing, so I am currently a department of one. I tend to get moved around a lot when other departments expand or contract. About the lack of interaction--that's mostly language barrier issues from my end.

Anyways, recently the room I now occupy had to be repainted because the peeling cement wall look isn't very sanitary. It looks much nicer now, but apparently that was a strike against me, and evidence that I was being 'favored.' At another point, another staff member messed up an order of mine. Since this is the fourth time this has happened, I let myself freak out a little on her. There was some door slamming and yelling. If you feel that this is excessive, trust me, it wasn't. Now my requests to have clients and advertisers paid doesn't get ignored for weeks. It's done the same day. Also, she's not handling orders anymore for staff members. Post script, I never got the order she was supposed to submit. Somehow, out of all of this, this is also evidence that I'm being favored.

I get it. I'm an American. Though I'm not personally responsible for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict, nor the Iraq War, nor the war in Afghanistan, somehow...some way...I'm guilty? You might be interested to know that despite my blue passport, money does not materialize from inside my armpits. I do not automatically have the ultimate wasta, because guess what--being American in Jordan doesn't do a whole hell of a lot for anyone. Also, concerning above wars, I did indeed protest them. At one point, I was swindled as everyone else seemed to be, thinking that we were in imminent danger of being nuked. I'm happy to say that I've been thoroughly disabused of that notion, and feel an adequate amount of shame for feeling that it might have been a 'war of necessity' at some point in my life.

Maybe, just maybe, some people get excited because I'm deathly pale. I'm personally not excited about this. It certainly isn't something people would brag about in Indiana. The general consensus would be, 'get thee to a tanning bed, sister.' It's certainly a silly thing to hate me for, as it's something I truly cannot do anything about--like the continued presence of acne into my 30s.

I have to admit that on some level I'm bothered by the dislike and discomfort with my presence. Truly, I don't mess with anyone. I come to work, do my stuff, and go home. I'm a friendly person who says 'please' and 'thank you' and smiles. I'm not going to atone for simply not being Arab, or not being of an olive complexion, or not understanding/performing all the etiquette.

I'm finding out that if you are nice and polite in this country, everyone will either passively ignore you or actively try to take your rights. When purchasing stuff from the supermarket, you have to stand almost on top of the person ahead of you, or someone (or several someones) feel perfectly comfortable with butting right in front of you. In the public space, there is no such thing as 'adab' (manners, politeness) (or a line for that matter). That only exists in private spaces (mostly) where your identity is known.

The other day my husband and I were going to Sweileh to buy some fried chicken to take home for dinner. I noticed a gathering of men in a circle (never a good sign) and then in the middle of the circle, I saw a man lying on the ground covered in blood. No one was helping him. Some people were taking cellphone pictures. Others had sent for coffee. No one had called the ambulance or the police. I looked at my husband and was like, 'can we please call the police? No one is helping.' He of course, did so. Thank goodness the guy wasn't dead. Yet another occasion where I felt the need to cover my son's eyes.

I feel like morality does not exist here. People only try to appear moral. When there isn't any accountability (like in a public place as a passer-by), just forget it. It's sort of the opposite in the U.S. The idea is that it shouldn't matter what others think--you are supposed to do what you believe to be right. Obviously, there are exceptions, but from my upbringing and experience, that's the general value that I walked away with.

I feel so disoriented. I've been here for over two years, and I still can't shake the feeling of being down the rabbit hole. Everything seems backwards and upside down.

Sometimes, I'm afraid for my son. I don't want him to care about what people think. I want him to have an inner moral compass to guide him--not the stares of his friends.

Happy Eid!

2010-09-11T13:33:00.003-05:00

Back to binging on coffee!! My lovely spouse bought me a really nice suit for the Eid, which is fantastic. No sequins. No brooches. No silliness. Just classy clean fun. He got it from this shop called 'Abu Daqqah' in Nazaal. I truly didn't expect to find something like that. The current fashion trend is the gypsy look, maxi dresses, and draping thin jersey garments, which is not really my style. I'm somebody's mom. I gotta look...30ish. I tried to have a jacket made, but the tailor we used was less than talented. What a waste of fabric, and a complete disappointment. The poor guy--I couldn't tell him that what he made was terrible, so I just took it and thanked him. It was my fault--the design was beyond his capacity and I probably should have realized it from the state of his shop and the lack of clients.

Speaking of which, here is a picture of my lovely little man. When he's at daycare, he just refuses to stay in his 'class' with other kids of his age. Too boring, I guess. So, he shadows one of the staff for most of his time there (4 - 5 hours/day, max). In this picture, he's sporting a star the secretary gave him for being so helpful. I can't imagine what he did, but Mr. Salam with a star on his head is too cute. I had to get pictures.

Kiddo is doing well. He surprises me every day. Monkey = 'mon-ey'; rainbow = bee-baw. Cat = 'at'. Dog = 'og'. Yes = thes. He says 'mommy' consistently, even though I think sometimes he tries to call me 'Beth'. A bit disconcerting. He also follows directions, showing us that he understands much more than he can say. He's my squishy little bear, lighting up my life in ways I'd never imagined. I'm so grateful for him. So incredibly grateful.

I badly want to give him a sibling, but I have to keep telling myself to cool it. From my past experience and how sick I was when I was pregnant...then losing the baby...my body obviously can't handle much strain. I need to wait until my husband gets transferred to a less demanding position. I can't be sick, pregnant, working, and taking care of kiddo all by myself. From experience--it's too much. I'm trying not to be greedy. I do have one beautiful kiddo, so I keep squishing the jealousy that pops up whenever I hear of someone else getting pregnant. Especially if it's a girl. My husband and I want a little girl so badly so I feel as if it's jinxed--that fate, or the universe just isn't going to allow it. I would completely welcome another boy...but I would love to feel the difference that comes with a little girl. Currently, my son looks like me and acts like my husband. He even does lots of little dances, so he's earned the name 'abu debke' from friends of ours. If we are granted a little girl, I truly wonder if she'll look like my husband and act like me. Genetics just are not a sure thing. I'm hoping so hard for a little girl sometimes, it's as if I can't possibly speak the hope--like it will be too painful if it never happens. So, it stays this tight little pain in my chest that hurts when I breathe deeply. There it will stay for now, next to where the grief for my lost little one sits, and where I keep thoughts of home and family.

I really want to begin oil painting again. It's eating at me. There always seems to be something standing in the way. We plan to let me set up studio in one of the kids' old rooms, but every time we 'sell' the furniture, the buyer backs out. I have to remedy this. My husband isn't home about 80% of the time. I can't get pregnant yet. It's a great time to paint again. Here's to goal setting...

Hobbies? Venting? Venting as a Hobby?

2010-09-07T04:13:00.003-05:00

I think I need a way to refocus my disillusionment. Rather than continually thinking about the huge numbers of dishonest people that my husband and I have had the misfortune of encountering, I need to take my mind off our problems. Usually this blog is for venting, but it's become no fun for me to read anymore, so it's time to change.

Any ideas? The news is pretty depressing. Politics are no good. Maybe I should write about something unimportant...like clothing. Or I could review baby products for fun. That's never been done before.

I'll let you know. Or, you'll get bored, not come back and never find out!!! BWA HAHAHHAHA!!!!

Don't Tread on Me

2010-09-05T15:45:00.005-05:00

I just re-read my last several posts (1 a month at this point) and they're all ANGRY. Maybe I need to stop and laugh at myself a little bit. Har...har...*cough* Focus on the positive, Bethy. The positive. You know...like...um...

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. Apparently, not one of my finer qualities according to the spouse, but it's hard to deny the consistency of my discontent. I think it started for me in February when my husband got transferred from his 9 - 3 job to his 'whenever the fuck we want you' job. This latter job is soul-suckingly horrible. The hours are outrageous. They really truly want him there every.waking.minute. Since we don't have a car or a lot of money, this leaves me at home with my lover, the TV. ALL THE TIME. Oh, TV, my dearest companion. You are always on so I feel like I'm not trapped in a very nicely furnished psych ward.

I forbid my TV to speak Arabic. It speaks English. Because in my little bubble, we are in America. In my bubble, everyone has the freedom to choose their lifestyle. Gender roles are fluid. English is the primary language. We like books. We like pizza. We read Dr. Seuss. We do not care much about material possessions or showing off. We care about people. When you miscarry, it IS a big deal, and it's OK to cry. We are not rude to others. We do not oppress our girls. We are assertive but kind. In my bubble, we don't give a damn how you dress. We do not yet have a library, but this is a goal. We are artists. We have a voice. We sing silly songs and generally make fools of ourselves in good fun. We make hats out of tupperware. We do not necessarily know how to cook everything. We tell tyrants to fuck off. We do not like to be judged by your standards. In our bubble, everyone has a voice. If we don't agree, it's still ok. We do not tell others how to practice our religion. Everyone has a choice, and only God is the judge. This is my United States of get-over-yourselves, people. Welcome, but check your attitude at the door. You're in my country, now.

Fuck Yeah, Ramadan!

2010-08-25T13:45:00.003-05:00

So, Ramadan kareem everyone. To be honest (not a quality prized in the Middle East), I really hate this season. 'Tis the season to pretend you are fasting in front of others, motherfuckers.

If you are fasting, you can easily pick out those who aren't--especially if those people happen to be your relatives and/or living with you. Those dishes that magically appeared on the kitchen table? A plate full of bones from an entire chicken left in your room? Yes, pumpkin. I know you're not fasting. Why don't we all just be honest about it and you go heat up your hot pockets and not send your sister to do it. Ok?

This doesn't just include teenage boys. It's EVERYONE. The guys who can't give up cigarettes and so find themselves smoking in odd places, convinced that they won't stink up the house with it...the women who mysteriously have their period over and over again in a 30 day time frame...on and on. It's not even that I'm personally convinced of the merits of this starve and binge month. It's the hiding, subterfuge, and deception I can't stand. Don't want to fast? Don't do it! Be open about it! To me, this is much better than the 30 day act of pretending to fast.

Gah.

I know people who gain weight during Ramadan, but I'm just not one of them. So far, I think I've lost 5 kilos. That's not all water, folks. It's just that I'm too damn tired to eat AGAIN after iftar. Like, I break the fast, guzzle a bunch of water, eat a little bit, and that's all I can handle. I put kiddo to bed, and I'm toast for the night.

Speaking of kiddo. He's amazing, wonderful, and becoming more of a pain in the ass every day. He's speaking more and more (mostly Arablish--"beddi this" being one of his favorite phrases). He's also walking a lot, trying to run, falling over a lot, playing a lot, giving tons of hugs and kisses and generally the light of my life. I can't believe such a cute little obnoxious thing was pulled out my birth canal.

He's now getting to the point where restaurants (even shopping in general) are a harrowing event, fraught with danger. He insists upon walking around, pulling over carefully stacked boxes of shoes, stealing forks and spoons from nearby tables, playing with any nearby children, and crawling up any available staircase. I feel lucky when I actually am able to get to the stage of shoe shopping where I try them on. It's usually that my husband has wandered off somewhere, doing something random, and I'm diving after kiddo yelling "SaLAAAAAM!!! STOP!!!" before he throws himself down the nearest staircase. If this is 14 months, I can't imagine what 2 will look like. He usually just stops, looks at me like, "what a fun game! you're so funny, mommy!" smirks, and then continues running towards the impending pit of death.

Salam is a fantastic weight loss plan. I'm too busy to eat, and am running all day long. Truly though, I live for our little games together and his very wonderful smile. Kids, those fuckers.

The Grass IS Greener

2010-07-11T03:15:00.003-05:00

Living abroad rather unvoluntarily at this point, I feel like I keep trying to convince myself that it's really not that bad. There are a, b, c, d GREAT things about Jordan, and that I'm just not yet able to take advantage of them.

Other times, I'm pretty convinced that this first argument is complete bullshit, and that it sucks balls over here, and that I need to be counting the seconds until we can move back to AMERICA! It needed caps and an exclamation point to capture the feeling. AMERICA! Where it's always beautiful, things are always available, there is generally not litter everywhere, where I am unlikely to witness any acts of violence between people on the street in person, where things can be found that are cheap AND of good quality...not expensive and shitty. and.on.and.on.and.on.

Violence. That's one of the parts about Jordan that kills me. I have seen something like 5 different fights between people in my time here (two years now--not a happy anniversary). Before moving here, I'd never seen an adult beat another adult. I've seen the driver of a van, after being cut off, jump out of his car and pistol whip a wandering pedestrian just for being in the way. I've seen a poor Egyptian guy working in a mechanics shop get beaten by a small gang of Jordanian ass-rabble. I've seen a man attack another man for butting in line in front of him in a grocery store in Ramadan. It's just so horribly common here.

Guns. I really do not think it is ok to give small children toy guns and knives. Call me a little whimpy liberal if you must, but guns are not toys. They are items that are used exclusively to shoot someone or something. This is not something I want my babies playing with. My spouse's argument that "if you deprive them when they are little they'll just want it more," makes me scream. Perhaps I should give my son cigarettes too? How about a bottle of scotch? Why don't I just let him crawl around in the street?

That's enough for now. Blood pressure warning!

My Blogging Skills Suck

2010-07-06T11:38:00.002-05:00

A lot has happened recently. Some of it totally un-bloggable. If I had an anonymous blog, I would write a huge expose about the travesty that is called "pre-natal care" in Jordan. TRAVESTY. In caps. In just one small part of my diatribe, I would write an extremely angry letter to the Ministry of Health for ceasing all imports of the drug Cytotec, which is apparently 'the' drug of choice to end a 'missed' miscarriage. Without this drug, you wait and wait and wait for your body to catch up with what your heart and head already know. This is a human rights violation, and for me, totally unforgivable. Apparently, the reason for the 'ban' is that too many women were getting the drugs from pharmacies to give themselves home abortions. For God's sake, just make it available only in hospitals or with a prescription. Maybe we should just call this place the Hashemite Kingdom of Abortion.

Anyways.

My little bear is now one. He had his first birthday a couple of days after I miscarried his only sibling (to date). Thank God for him and for the beauty that is life when he is around.

Three types of Sick.

2010-05-31T02:47:00.002-05:00

Yes, I start blogging again, and it seems to be just a sounding board for my complaints. :)

Morning sickness + other sickness + side effects from medication = a miserable weekend on an IV and cursing life. I now associate reading Harry Potter with having horrible constipation. I may not ever be able to pick up the Chamber of Secrets again.

I'm still having body aches, but mostly the fever is gone. Nausea has retreated a bit, too--just as long as I keep eating. I think I hurt my back picking up Salam yesterday though. Kiddo is heavy. We're coming up on a year now, and I'm waiting in deep anticipation for him to start walking. I know it's going to be hell on a different level, but at least I will be able to ease up on carrying him around. Ugh.

The spouse keeps telling me that he has taken action, and inshallah there will be some changes in the works soon. I just need to hang in there. Here's to hanging. :)

When your head explodes, it's really messy.

2010-05-20T00:54:00.004-05:00

I had the worst morning ever. Nothing like starting your day with being lied to! Kids! ARgh!!! *pop* (went my head as I lost my temper). My poor little guy woke up with a cold, and then later as I was rushing out the door this morning, oddly couldn't find all of my keys in their entirety, I put Salam down on the couch a little too carelessly, and he bumped his head and he cried. It just breaks the heart when that happens--especially when it's due to careless, rushing, frazzled Mommy. Nothing too serious, thank God. I wish it had been me instead. :(

It's been really chilly here in Amman the last couple of days...kind of strange since it seemed like summer had arrived.

Life is grinding us down a bit. The economy in Jordan is just horrific. You can have a great education and work yourself to the bone, but you can't get ahead unless you own the exclusive license to import gold into the Kingdom or something. I see these people driving Hummers and brand new Mercedeses (can I pluralize that?) and it also causes a kind of implosion in my brain. Here in Jordan, it's not a matter of hard work or talent. It's all about knowing the right people and owning an exclusive trade. You do that and you're set.

Also, they just changed the penal law here. Before, people could write checks--not necessarily issued from a bank--and they were treated as checks--legal tender. Now, they're considered something like a receipt: a statement that this person owes you money, nothing more. So all the people who wrote us checks for stuff that we sold them...now the penalties for not paying are severely reduced. Amazing. We are never going to get the money that people owe us. I've found out through brutal experience that people are so incredibly dishonest. They pray 5 times a day, dress in perfect Islamic attire and give lip-service to the Almighty and still methodically go about screwing you over. At least in America there wouldn't usually be such a strong religious pretense. They would just screw you. Somehow that's so much less insulting to me than people dressing up like 'I'm the perfect Muslim,' and then behaving like a perfect criminal. *kaboom* (my head again). I really appreciate that American penchant for honesty in a way. I think people are usually much more upfront. They stick a gun in your face and steal your car. Done. They don't pretend to be perfect religious adherents, call you 'brother', befriend your family members, and THEN proceed to screw you. Honestly, I prefer the gun method of theft.

I think this particular rant is over for now, but suffice to say, we are not doing well in this country. We both have master's degrees, my husband works two jobs, and with people's dishonesty we really aren't making it. We get ourselves out of debt just to encounter a catastrophe and get in debt again. We've tried for two years just to get on our feet. TWO YEARS. And now we are worse off than ever. It's not like we are uneducated or unskilled--quite the opposite.

Sounds like we have to go back to the US. Even if just my husband lands a good job based on his education and experience in the US (here's to hoping) we would be FINE. We don't live extravagant lives. We buy food, diapers, pay for gas, pay our rent, and occasionally buy some clothes when our old ones wear out. We do not have a collection of CDs or DVDs. We do not own an iPhone, and iPod, or anything of the sort. I do have a 10 year old MacBook from grad school. That's the extent of it. We are simple people who just want not to worry so much. Sometimes I feel like we are asking for a lot.

We live simple lives, so it shouldn't be this hard for God's sake.

A long absense from blogging

2010-05-19T00:43:00.003-05:00

But it's soon to be over. I think I'm going to try to get back up into it, and to post at least twice a week. Here's to setting goals!

I'm also going to make some cosmetic changes...or maybe I'll even move to Wordpress. Still undecided.

Anyways, there is lots of news to share...with my one remaining reader. Thanks, Mom.

Salam is 6 months old!

2009-12-21T04:58:00.005-05:00

Yes, it seems I can only get around to posting on this blog whenever the little guy reaches a milestone. It is what it is.

On the upside, he is saying syllables like "mamamama," "et-tah" and "cake-ah." So, if I stretch it, I could say that his first words are Mama, Dada and cake. He still starts "singing" whenever he gets sleepy, and his eating is going well. Yesterday, he had ground up chicken soup.

On the downside, it's terrible trying to get him to sleep through the night. These last two nights have been really difficult. I hope he snaps out of it soon. Ugh.

Here are some recent pictures:

Salam is now 5 months old...

2009-11-18T02:17:00.002-05:00

Life is good in Jordania. I'm surviving working as a glorified office slave or "individual contributor" as I'm sometimes referred to. My little one is surviving daycare with hopefully not a whole lot of emotional scarring, and we are surviving the economic crisis. What more can one ask?

I'm finding happiness in things like having the dishes done, having babyfood made, having my husband home, having a warm house, and seeing a hat and mittens on my baby when we are out in the cold weather. The basics are not only necessary, but beautiful.

Things I need to work on include finding a way to get cheap children's books into Jordan while paying a minimum in customs, eating more than one meal a day, reading, painting (har har har--I can dream, right?), and sleeping a little later than 6:30am, though I can't complain.

Salam still wakes up 2 or 3 times a night, but 90% of the time, it's for food. He's growing so fast. He's as big or bigger than some one-year-olds at the daycare with him. Maybe it's because baby girls are smaller than baby boys...not that I have experience in that. He eats sweet potatoes, zucchini, carrots, apples, pears, and now green beans, all pureed of course.

He has this little walker that he adores. It's made him mobile without having to learn how to crawl. I don't know if that's good or not. He still won't flip himself over (voluntarily), but rather prefers that we help him walk by holding him under his armpits. He was practicing sitting up for a couple weeks (still almost face-plants more often than not), and now he's kind of ditched that for assisted standing/walking. Little impatient soul. Sounds like he's going to skip crawling all together.

When he gets sleepy, he starts 'singing.' This involves a kind of baby moaning, and it's in imitation of Daddy, who always sings him to sleep. He's learned to associate this with sleep to the point where whenever he gets tired, he starts to sing all on his own. Hilarious.

He LOVES eating. Loves loves loves it. Unless I stuff him full of solids, he stays cranky. Milk does not cut it at all. I feed him milk, even thickened with rice cereal, and it doesn't satisfy him. He drinks too much trying to get full, and then barfs (a lot). The vomiting is almost entirely eliminated when I fill him up with solids a couple of times a day. I'm thinking about introducing him to yogurt in a week or two, and then oat or wheat cereal after that. He's pretty much moved up the mental timetable I had set up for him by months. Who are these babies that survive on only breastmilk for the first 6 months? Salam would riot. Like, create the kind of scandal that would send our neighbors to our door to check on us. I'm just following his cues. He wants it, so I'm giving it. It's food, after all. I can't deprive him. (See the mental mommy-guilt game? Always nice trying to make oneself feel better).

What else...

In trying to remedy our financial crisis (not really an exaggeration) I'm continuously looking for another job. Something in my field...something that pays. What I'm making now is good, for Jordan. The problem is that my debt is American debt. The unforgivable monetary enslavement known as 'student loans'. It pretty much eats my Jordanian wages. I'm left working almost exclusively to pay off debt. My baby is in daycare so I can pay off debt. It's so frustrating. Note to all students out there taking out loan after loan after loan...if you don't like the idea of daycare, find another way to finance your education. I'm serious. Apply to work at a university that gives tuition remission, then find a degree that you can live with. I know that sounds a little cynical, but it's better than getting some pie-in-the-sky degree and then having mountains of debt you have to shovel yourself out of working in a field you can't stand because where you ended up doesn't employ people like you!

Ok, rant over. In short, I'm thankful that we have good food, a warm home and each other. Many people don't have that, so every day I'm grateful.

Circumbivalence

2009-10-01T13:46:00.002-05:00

Noun. The feeling you get after you have your dear, precious child circumcised, and totally wonder WTF??? WHY do people do this to their KIDS????!!!! This feeling is exacerbated in situations where the doctors, though competent, refuse to use a local anesthetic. AHHHHH!!!!

I know that doctors these days are recommending it as studies have shown it reduces the likelihood of transmitting diseases...but I still feel ambivalent.

The story: We went to a clinic on the Eastern side of Amman, which looked sketchy to me. But I suppose when it comes to the little guy, I'd have a hard time letting the Pope hold him. And not just because the Pope is a little scary anyway. My husband says to the guy that we are here to do the dirty deed (not literally, but that's how I think of it) and the doctor just went and did it on the spot! No appointment, minimal preparations...I managed to procrastinate for 3 and a half months on this little duty, and the whole drive to the clinic I was clutching my son and hating myself. We finally did it the day before yesterday because as he got older, it was only going to be worse for him. Better now when he won't remember.

So, the whole procedure literally took 3 minutes. No joke. They used this metal thing to hold the skin, and then used this electronic burning tool to basically cauterize the wound. God. He criieeeed, and so did I!!!! I felt terrible and basically sobbed through the whole thing. I think I scared the shit out of some poor kid who was also in the waiting room about to see the doctor. I thought I was going to pass out.

Fortunately, Mr. Salam dealt with the wound in the most amazing way. He was fussing on the way home, but after we gave him some baby painkiller and I nursed him to sleep, all was well. He woke up normally during the night for feedings, and the next morning he was all smiles, spit bubbles and sunshine. AMAZING. It's healing pretty well (knock on wood) and hopefully pretty soon it will be a distant memory. Very distant.

If the next kiddo ends up being a boy, we really really need to get it done a lot sooner, and I swear to God, I'm not going to be in the room next time when they do it. And I'm going to insist on anesthetic--for both of us. Sweet Jesus! He's a human being!

One strange thing I found out, and thank God it wasn't done to my son, was that sometimes as part of the circumcision process here, they also clip part of the skin under the tongue. GAH!!! WHY???!!! There is some strange shit that happens to people in this world, and I guess Jordan is no exception.

Anyways, all is well and it's over. Thank God.

Happy Belated Three Months, Salam!

2009-09-25T02:17:00.004-05:00

I am happy to say that we are all doing pretty well. Mr. Salam is growing and changing every day with a little less fussing and a little more smiling. He still wakes up several times a night, but it sounds like I got used to it because it's not phasing me as much as it used to.

He hates getting dressed, loves being naked and really enjoys his bath. When I undress him to change his diaper, it's all smiles. The second I start to put his hand in a sleeve, he makes a scandal. Daddy recently discovered that the little guy is ticklish as well. Some of his favorite games involve Daddy tossing him in the air a little bit (don't know how to describe it exactly, but don't worry it's safe). He also loves his walker. It has these little buttons on it that make noises along with a steering wheel and a button that he bends over and tries to put his mouth on.

He's also starting to form his own language. When he's angry, he says things like 'mbith,' 'meem,' and 'ning.' When he's happy, it's all cooing.

He's growing like a weed these days. He's wearing these onesies meant for kids 6 months to a year old. I think he's already outgrown his third set of clothes so far. We even buy bigger sizes than he generally needs, but he outgrows them within a couple of weeks. We don't even have time to wear out the clothes. It's kind of crazy.

We also think he might be starting to teeth. He's doing this thing where he really wants to bite his hands the whole time and sometimes us, is drooling, and is somewhat fussier than usual.

He's also a very social little guy. Really enjoys being around people, seeing them, vomiting on them and generally wrecking havoc. When it's just me and him in the house, he becomes bored and rather unhappy. Our living room doesn't have a direct window, so the light is mostly artificial, and it's quiet. Not really what the little guy wants. So, generally speaking, having him at the daycare place while I'm at work is much more entertaining for him. They are always telling me how good he was for them (!!!), and seem to love him a great deal.

Anyways, aside from the occasional projectile pooping incident, all is well. A note to all future mothers--wait until they are done pooping before you take off the diaper and walk towards the sink. Amazing things happen otherwise.

My husband and I keep talking about when to try to bring the next one along, but it's still too early. My body is still kind of tired, and I want to wait until Mr. Salam is a bit bigger and can manage a little better before I potentially subject myself to morning sickness, cravings, nausea, etc. But, we CAN'T WAIT to try again!!! :)

Courage

2009-08-06T05:17:00.003-05:00

I saw this poem posted on a blog called Hijabi Couture and loooved it. Expecially the first two stanzas. As a kid, I remember being tormented by my peers and it was like drinking acid and concealing it. For the second stanza, I have faced bombs though not in battle. This is not unusual these days where most of the casualties from war are civilian.

'Courage'
by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.
The child's first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heart
went on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acid
and concealed it.

Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
cover your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.

Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you'll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you'll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

Cultural Methods of Motherhood

2009-07-19T06:57:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but I was pretty surprised at the strict instructions I kept receiving from all walks of womenfolk on what to do, eat, not eat, and what to feed my kiddo after birth. Here is a sample:

1. Women should not leave the house for 40 days after giving birth. People believe that you will get sick if you do so.

2. Babies should have their bellies wrapped at all times. Not only is keeping this particular area warm an absolute necessity, it's supposed to be "good for their back."

3. When babies cry, it's "good for their lungs."

4. After being fed, babies should be put down directly so they can "burTa." This is the random flailings that babies do when they are awake and not crying.

5. After delivering, women should: drink cinnamon tea (makes you bleed more so it stops faster); eat 'freekhia' (a kind of soup); eat dates and lots of helawah (believed to increase breastmilk); eat/drink lots of dairy.

I'll add more when I can remember...

Happy Belated One Month, Mr. Salam!!

2009-07-18T03:44:00.004-05:00

Sorry that I left that hanging for so long, but I think that anyone who has ever lived with a newborn can attest that you literally lack both the energy and time for anything remotely extraneous.

Ah, finally manged to put down the little guy so I can type with both hands again!!!

In sum, he was born healthy and beautiful on June 13, 2009 at 10:15pm.

He went all the way to week 41, and the doctors demanded that we induce. He hadn't put on any additional weight from the previous week, and the doctors didn't like the look of his CEG. Induction is tough because they give you this suppository that causes the contractions to come on really hard and strong. Keep in mind that in most hospitals in Jordan, they don't do the epidural. Dilating from 2cm to 10cm was more painful than the actual delivery process. It wasn't until very late into it all that I discovered that pushing into the contraction relieves the pain. No Lamaze classes here. I've also discovered that one type of medical intervention usually necessitates a second and third. It turned out that they needed to use a vacuum to suck the little guy out because it was just taking too long. I did need stitches in my lady parts, but it also turns out that when you are pushing a baby out, feeling your hip bones splay drowns out other kinds of pain events. Also, the second that little guy came out, I got this amazing rush of endorphines--I didn't remotely care or even feel the placenta go, or the subsequent stitches. I even remember joking with the doctors in my delirium. He is a beautiful little guy, and I feel pretty overwhelmed at being a mom.

I had a bit of a problem with low milk production at the beginning, resulting in jaundice for the little guy, so he spent a couple days in the hospital getting addicted to formula and sitting under the light they use to treat high billirubin levels. We have since spent a lot of time trying to get my milk production up while reducing the amount of formula he takes, but it's tough. I've taken to drinking a lot of fenugreek tea to increase it, because I can't deal with him crying from hunger (which causes me to cave in, giving him formula, which gives him gas and causes him to fuss for several hours which my husband and I spend on our feet walking him around until he feels better and falls asleep). When he drinks only breastmilk, he is so much happier. Hopefully, my production will speed up soon.

We had a tough 10 days or so when my husband's ex-wife decided it would be great fun to send 3 of the 4 stepkids out to spend time with us while I was still bleeding from the delivery. Needless to say, it wasn't my finest hour. I'm still not up to speed on the cooking and housework. How do mom's juggle all this stuff and a fussy baby to boot?

39 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant...

2009-06-04T14:11:00.002-05:00

...and the waiting seems interminable. I've had my bags packed for at least a month, because initially it seemed like Mr. Salam wanted to come early. The crib is ready, we have diapers, shampoo and clothes (can anyone tell me what people use baby oil for?). Now with only 3 days left until his due date, he seems determined to be late (June 7th is the due date). I'm basically ok with waiting all of week 41 just to allow for any due date miscalculations, but after that I hope my Ob-gyn takes pity on me and suggests induction. He's already 7.7 lbs, so I'm hoping by the time he's ready to come that he'll still fit through the downshoot.

The only important thing to me at this point is that he'll be healthy. I'm hoping and praying for no surprises or unexpected complications. Unfortunately, doing things like googling any random question that comes into mind doesn't bring any peace, but of course, more anxiety. I'm trying to "just relax," but that's so much easier said than done.

Hopefully, I'll be posting some happy news soon.

Symptomatic-atic Insane

2009-05-20T07:32:00.002-05:00

Here is a list of symptoms that I should be having now, in my 9th month of pregnancy:

swelling (check)
varicose veins (check)
hemorrhoids (check *sob*)
back and sciatic pain (found out about this the other night. Thought it was labor.)
poking in your ribs (nothing new here)
constipation (bane of my existence. I now LOVE glycerin suppositories. Go figure.)
heart burn (check)
bloating (check)
indigestion (check)
headaches (nope!)
easier breathing after baby drops (nope)
more frequent urination (had this for like 3 months already)
increased difficulty sleeping (check)
dizziness (not really)
nasal congestion (yup)
bleeding gums (no)
increase or loss in appetite (increase, strangely enough)
leg cramps (OMG yes. ouchhhh)
itchy stomach (and so stretched, it's shiny).
protruding naval (more like, flattened beyond all recognition)
hot flashes (occassional)
skin changes (small brown spots randomly appearing)
fuller and leaky breasts (I woke up this morning, and was like "whoa!")
more frequent Braxton Hicks contractions (still not sure)
fatigue (YES)
extra energy/nesting (had it, but now it's over. The dirty dishes can just sit.)
excitement (sure)
anxiety (yup)
irritability (not really)
over sensitivity (YES)
impatience (yes)
restlessness (of course)
carpal tunnel (not yet)
tingly hands and feet (I would put 'slightly swollen' instead)
fetal hiccups (???)
skin eruptions (like a volcano?)
clumsiness (that's my whole life)

I'll be at 38 weeks on Sunday. Anytime you're ready, I'm ready Mr. Salam.

Been a Long Time...

2009-04-23T02:27:00.006-05:00

Agh! It's not as if I don't have things to write about, but when I get home from work, usually I just sort of drop. I've gotten into the habit of the post-work nap. This, on top of going to bed early, keeps my energy up better than if I don't. I'll try to post more frequently, but nothing is guaranteed. :)

We bought a crib yesterday. It was funny--we couldn't buy either of our favorites because we finally determined that the design was a bit stupid. They were built so shallowly that as soon as little Salaam learned to stand, he'd likely catapult himself over the side. So, we ended up choosing the deeper one with the adjustable sides in the interests of safety and hopefully non-stupidity.

He also has a small collection of stuffed animals waiting for him. One big fluffy orangy-yellowy rabbit, one brown rabbit, Das Boot (of ill fame and fortune) and a big fluffy stuffed heart--definitely Jordan chic.

We have also bought him his first outfit--light yellow and Pooh is the theme! I hope I can put together a little nursury at some point and paint Pooh on the walls, but currently we are keeping the crib in our bedroom. Our apartment is pretty big, and I hate to have him so far away when he's so small.

We are also on the lookout for a rocking chair. Apparently, this is not something that Jordanians do--when we go around asking people, my husband has to specify that it's like what they had "a long time ago." Whoa. Kind of funny thinking about it that way. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Sometimes I'd kill for a craigslist here.

Hmmm....

Also, does anyone know where to find classic children's books in Jordan for not outrageous prices? I'm looking for Dr. Seuss, E.E. Milne, Beatrix Potter, Maurice Sendak, etc. Used is totally fine. I just don't want to pay $15 each for used copies of them.

Orientalist Keywords.

2009-02-16T06:43:00.003-05:00

Cruising for stock photos today, I came across an image I found to be interesting. Then I looked at the keywords. I just had to laugh.

Here is the photo: http://www.crestock.com/image/855928-Hidden-woman-on-veil.aspx

Here are the keywords: arab, arabic, beautiful, beauty, cover, covered, culture, dark, darkness, east, eastern, ethnic, evil, eye, face, fashion, females, fingers, freckles, girls, hand, handkerchief, head, headscraft, hidden, hiding, islam, islamic, looking, malicious, middle, muslim, mysterious, mystery, observing, portrait, religion, scarf, serious, shame, spirituality, staring, style, timid, veil, vertical, violet, woman

Who's afraid of Virginia Al-Wolf? Apparently, people in advertising looking for images of Muslim women.

Democracy in a Size 10

2009-02-03T01:49:00.003-05:00

Ever since Bush had two shoes hurled at him at a press conference in Iraq, the trend has spread as a form of protest. Here are some recent manifestations:

Shoe Is Thrown at Chinese Premier Feb 3, 2009

Let The World Rain Shoes On Israel Feb 2, 2009

Iraq sculpture honoring Bush shoe-thrower removed Jan 31, 2009

Throw a shoe, sing for peace: Protesters gather in D.C. Jan 20, 2009

Theatre of a two-headed party: the shoe thrower and the 'prime minister' Jan 19, 2009

SECRET SERVICE ARRESTS SHOE-THROWER Jan 19, 2009

Brother visits Iraqi who threw shoes at Bush Jan 16, 2009

Lawyer: Shoe-thrower was tortured Jan 16, 2009

Throw a shoe at Bush in San Francisco this weekend Jan 13, 2009

Iraq shoe thrower trial postponed Jan 8, 2009

The shoe as politics Jan 7, 2009

Virtual Shoe Throwing Jan 6, 2009

Company making cash off Bush shoe event Dec 23, 2008

Shoes flung at Bush flying from the shelves

‘Shoe Intifada’ grows Dec 20, 2008

In pictures: 'Shoe-thrower' support Dec 19, 2008

Iraqi shoe thrower 'beaten in custody' Dec 17, 2008

'Shoe-thrower of Baghdad' brings Iraqis on to the streets Dec 16, 2008

If you find more, please send them to me. :)

Kick Counts!

2009-01-26T08:36:00.001-05:00

I'm somewhere around week 22, and just yesterday, my little Salaam started kicking the crap out of me! Now, it's all these little bumps and thumps and jumps that initially, I mistook for gas.

I'm visualizing cartwheels. Hope he's having fun. :)

Hope

2009-01-22T05:07:00.003-05:00

There are some good signs...I was ready to be disappointed, but perhaps this one will stick to his promises.

This was just his second day in office (read more here):

"President Obama signed or was poised to approve several orders:

Guantanamo Bay: He is expected to sign an order today to close the U.S. prison in Cuba within a year and halt trials of prisoners there in the meantime.

Lobbying: He imposed new limits on lobbyists in the White House and froze the salaries of about 100 aides who make over $100,000.

Records: He ordered limits on the ability of former presidents to block the release of sensitive records of their time in the White House and said the federal government would reinterpret the

Freedom of Information Act to increase transparency.

On hold: He froze all proposed federal rule changes left unfinished by George W. Bush's administration. They relate to the Endangered Species Act, labor relations and other fields."

A seemingly unrelated article also highlights a wave of change, also linked to Obama:

"...But yesterday, the appeals court argued that the criminal prosecution did not conflict with Mr Wilders' right to freedom of expression and said it based its decision on the standards set by the European Court of Human Rights. "This is my finest hour," said Gerard Spong, the lawyer who filed the complaints. "The American President Barack Obama said 'we are free in diversity' but you can't have diversity if you brand one group as extremists."

May this be a new era.

Stepmom status: on hold

2009-01-12T05:24:00.002-05:00

The custody arrangements changed recently at the request of the kids' mother. It sounds like she finally decided that she wanted to be a mother after all. So, the kids moved in with her. My husband, of course, misses them a lot. For me, my feelings are totally mixed. The pleasure I got from them was always mixed with pain--most of the time, a lot of pain. So, I guess I feel relieved, and also a little guilty about that relief.

We are sleeping through the night again, which is good. Seeing as how in around 6 months neither I nor my husband will be, we are planning to enjoy it while it lasts.

I guess in retrospect, one of the major benefits of this whole experience of having 4 kids at once, all at the same time, who inherently did not want me, is that now just having a baby seems easy. I have been tortured profusely by the 2-year-old (not to mention the older ones), so I feel prepared and more confident in my abilities. Especially after I had successes. The day I instituted a kind of 'time-out' system for the two-year-old and had it work after 3 or 4 repetitions felt sooooo good. It was like, "yes, you can do this." It was such an uphill battle to implement, too. Not only was I battling a screaming toddler, but all of his siblings who were convinced that I was out of my mind for attempting to control the littlest one's behaviors. They were sure that it was some form of wicked-stepmother-ness to discipline a small child who was clearly having a temper tantrum. Everyone else's way of coping was to just give in (instantly) to his demands--even when it was potentially harmful for him---rather than to say no.

It was great. All I did was that every time he threw a fit for no reason (and really, after some time you really do know when the screaming is for real, and when it's just because he wants badly to play with a lighter), I would pick him up, bring him to the darkened bedroom, and put him down as if to sleep. When he would get up, I would put him down again. Rinse, repeat. Eventually, (after a couple of minutes of this) he would give up, look at me, and say, "that's it." I would then confirm, make sure that the tantrum was indeed over, and then pick him up and give him a hug and a kiss. It got to the point where all I would have to do is pick him up and start in the direction of the bedroom, and he got the idea and stopped the fit.

I know each age is different, each kid is different, and they keep changing. But, I don't seem to be tooooo bad at figuring out how to cope. Since I didn't have any prior experience with kids, I think this is going to make Salaam's life easier--he will have a pre-primed mommy. Since I've been through a worse-case scenario, I feel pretty relaxed about the whole mom thing. Except for the birthing process...that makes me sweat...

Which is harder?

2009-01-08T11:29:00.004-05:00

There is a great conversation going on on one of my favorite blogs: Dooce. It's about which is harder--marriage or parenthood. For me, the first comment left by a Dad pretty much sums it up. Go read it here.

Seriously, it's parenthood. When you first start, it's a total nightmare. I know, one isn't supposed to say that, but seriously--there are several times when I really wanted to defenestrate myself. Never before had I been covered in such large amounts of other people's bodily fluids. I have this parenting book that talks about the importance of having time to oneself. I just laugh thinking about it. From working full time to (attempting to) parent kids who don't recognize my authority, to adjusting to a different language, culture, society, to getting pregnant, to maintaining a cross-cultural marriage...I've found out that I must actually be an incredibly tough person. I heard it gets better. Here's to hoping.

Regional Escalation Begins

2009-01-08T02:37:00.000-05:00

Reason number 8,476 why I can't live in Lebanon.

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/01/08/israel.rockets/

Bad neighborhood.

How do we know what's really happening in Gaza?

2009-01-04T04:07:00.001-05:00

McClatchy journalist Dion Nissenbaum shows how Israel has gone to great lengths to prevent reporters from traveling to Gaza and covering the conflict.

"Israel has joined a notorious and small list of countries preventing reporters from doing their job. Israel, which prides itself on being the healthiest democracy in the Middle East, joins North Korea, Zimbabwe and Burma in denying media access to a major story.

In essence, Israel has transformed the entire Gaza Strip into a closed military zone.

Reporters from every major news organization, from the BBC and CNN to The New York Times and The Washington Post to NPR and McClatchy to AP and Fox News, are being barred by Israel from going into Gaza to cover the deadliest military campaign there since Israel seized the area from Egypt in the 1967 war.

"Never before have journalists been prevented from doing their work in this way," the FPA said in the statement. "We believe that it is vital that journalists be allowed to find out for themselves what is going on in Gaza." ( Dion Nissenbaum, "Israel Stifles Free Press Covering Gaza"McClatchy Newspapers).

Read more here.

***

Obama's silence makes me completely regret any support I held in my heart for him. He's really no different than the others.

Salaam in the Middle East

2009-01-01T10:47:00.007-05:00

Sorry, I forgot to update on this. We found out a week ago or so that he is a boy!!! We think we are going to call him Salaam. Here are the latest ultrasound. Hope they aren't too personal to share, but they are some of the first pictures of my little guy! On the top picture, you can see his head to the left his belly in the middle and his feet on the right. He's just kicking it back in my uterus, chilling out. :)

It's funny--I have all these crazy maternal feelings taking over completely. I'm already feeling protective, and trying to ensure that I can bring him up in the way that I want to. I get really defensive when it comes to anything that might affect his well-being, and I really want to draw little hearts all over my belly so he knows that I love him already. I know, it sounds so silly, but just wait and see for yourself! Have a kid! Everything changes. Also, my appetite has become huge. I don't get full anymore, I just get tired of eating. And my bellybutton is flat. I was always kind of excited about the fact that I have an 'in-y' but now it might turn out-y on me.

***

On a more serious note, everyone is sympathizing with Gaza here. As the massacre continues, the lines of bullshit in the NYT grow longer, and hope falters, all we can do is pray and send supplies. For those who want to contribute to the easing of human suffering, good places to donate are the Red Cross/Red Crescent, or Islamic Relief. Having been in a similar but definitely less intense situation than the people of Gaza, I feel terrible on their behalf. You can't imagine the feelings of helplessness and terror that come with bombs raining down on your city, killing people that you care about.

The Seventh War

2008-12-29T05:57:00.003-05:00

It looks like another war is afoot, and it seems likely to become regional. I had heard Jordan referred to as the 'Hashemite Kingdom of Boredom,' but after a growing number of protests, Israel promising to complete its genocidal errand, and the insistance of regional governments on doing nothing, I don't feel optimistic. Jordan is currently in a state of emergency, and there are protests happening all over the country. Things were not easy before in Jordan--the economic woes that befell everyone else also hit hard here. Now on top of that, you have Gaza being destroyed like Lebanon was in July 2006--a nightmare I do not want to relive. For the first time in Jordan, I do not feel safe. This is one of the reasons why I will not move back to Beirut--there is just no guarantee that when you wake up the next day, there will still be a government in power and that there won't be bombs falling outside your window. Not that I think Jordan will be an immediate target for destruction, but if the Palestinians living here get angry enough, Israel could certainly find justifications for dropping some bombs on the Beqaa'. I will certainly pray that someone stops Israel. If it carries out its threats, I can only see this engulfing the region. So, why the seventh war? Because, as usual, this is not one isolated occurance of agression. This is one in the long continuations of conflict that began well before 1948 long planned and recently executed. Not, as they say "in self-defence."

Holiday Malaise

2008-12-28T05:00:00.002-05:00

Not a very cheerful title, I admit. I really really missed my family and home these holidays. My poor spouse got cried on a couple of times. Then I feel asleep before I could make my call home--I was too tired to stay up late enough to do it.

I got my first pair of maternity pants yesterday. These things rock. Soooo much better now. Yesterday before I got the new pants I had forgotten and put on my normal jeans. Me and the baby regretted it about 10 minutes later. OUch!! Nothing like going around with your pants unbuttoned. Hope no one was offended.

I also made fudge. It just didn't taste like fudge from home. I remember my Mom's being much much better. Oh well. Maybe I need to track down a different recipe than the one I have.

Hot and Sour Soup: The Jordanian Way

2008-12-15T14:31:00.002-05:00

My wonderful husband took me to what must be Jordan's only sushi restaurant for my birthday. We, of course, paid waaaay too much, but that's what you get when you want sushi in the desert. (Slight exaggeration, I suppose). They had a wonderful hot and sour soup, and looking at the ingredients, I despaired of being able to duplicate it.

A couple of days later after making our own soup, my husband and I were sitting down to the leftovers and had a moment of inspiration. He had bought hummous/falafel for the kids, which always comes with this green spicy sauce called shatta (or something like that). And earlier by coincidence, he had bought me some jalapeno peppers. Well, we just dumped the whole portion of shatta in the soup, along with one sliced jalapeno, and it turned out perfect--both hot and sour. Mmmmmm. The rest of the ingredients were pretty much run of the mill: meat, peas, carrots, onions, etc. It was gooooood.

Baby Bump, the Hospital, and Pseudo-Asthma

2008-12-04T05:26:00.004-05:00

I have a baby bump!! It's starting to happen in a real way! I'm going to take a picture soon--how many times do you have your first one anyway? I gotta document everything. :)

I'm through my first trimester. Thank God. I've been so worried about doing something wrong. I hope the little guy/girl is tougher than I think!

I went to the hospital yesterday--just had enough of this cold/coughing problem. It got so bad yesterday that I couldn't breathe. I was trying to rest after work on my bed, and my throat just closed up. After running around to different offices and seeing 2 different docs (1 general med, the other an ob-gyn) they determined that I don't have asthma. Woo hoo! The bad news is that after being sick for like a month, but respiratory track has become super sensitive to Jordanian dust, second-hand smoke, wool (bye bye Ahab) and various other things that make me cough. The gave me a nebulizer at the hospital which opened things up, but it made my heart pound. After not sleeping hardly at all yesterday between the 2-year-old screaming and my own coughing, I was exhausted. It was evening and I hadn't eaten enough, so I got really dizzy. Ugh. They gave me an inhaler to be used only as-needed. They also gave me an ultrasound. We could see the baby's heart pumping very clearly. It needs another 3 weeks to tell the gender. Sounds like a good holiday present for us. :) I was so happy that the spouse got to see the ultrasound this time. Last time we went to the doc, we had Adam with us. He was screaming because he thought the doctor's visit was for him. When he stopped screaming, he promptly started taking appart the doctor's office. Needless to say, the husband missed the last pictures.

When my husband and I got home, we found the house a disaster. Apparently, none of the older kids took it upon themselves to keep an eye on the 2-year-old-cyclone-of-terror that is Adam while we were at the hospital. I've never actually seen the house that bad before. Dirty socks, shoes everywhere, garbage can tipped over, filthy kitchen. It's as if the two of us aren't tired enough from working full time. My sorry self has been sick for a while, so my contribution to the housework has been low. If only we could get them to do SOMETHING without a major nag-fest/guilt trip.

We went to bed where we layed down, completely exhausted after picking up the true disaster areas, and split three chocolate bars together. Galaxy, Kinder and Bounty. God, they were delicious.

It's been a hell of a week.

I HATE Chicken.

2008-12-01T06:09:00.003-05:00

I am totally under the control of my appetite. And, it's picky. The other day the wonderful husband took me out to this nice restaurant, and the only thing I was interested in was the salad. I ate the whole damn thing by myself. OMNYOMNYOM. Snap! Bang! It was over. But chicken...oh, God. I told my husband that I have a growing aversion to chicken lately--especially chicken dipped in hummous. I can't deal with those little bites of hummousy chicken anymore. They make me nausiated. Yesterday, after knowing my aversion to chicken, he asks me if I would want to try this place called "Baba B...." Not catching the last word, and not particularly caring due to my incredible sore throat (like, can't speak and want to die, sore) I was like, yeah, whatever. I did think it was strange that he didn't ask me what I wanted to eat when ordering at the place. When we get home, I find out that....it's chicken. The place is called "Baba Broasted" (of course, written in Arabic and since I don't read quickly I didn't bother to finish reading it). But broasted? How was I supposed to know that this refers to fried chicken? Arghhh!!!! So, last night I ate a lot of corn. A lot. It goes with my ongoing love affair with vegetables. Any and all, and all at the same time, if possible.

My step daughter, in true generous fashion after finding out my aversion to chicken said, "well, you can eat the potatoes." Meaning, the 8 french fries thrown on top of the chicken for color. Great. Thanks. H the generous. Feel the love.

The kids requested the same thing again for tonight. I'm pretty sure that it's not because they are really excited about the chicken. Most likely, it's one more thing they can do to drive me nuts. This is the problem with stepmotherhood. They find your weaknesses and actively exploit them. It's gotten to the point where I don't show any negative emotions in front of them at all. It's a kind of oppression because it leaves me tense, watchful, and unable to be myself around them.

And a general question--do all kids do bad things and think that it's really funny even when their parents are yelling at them for it? Little shits.

Turkey day

2008-11-27T09:25:00.002-05:00

I wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. I wish I was there! I can't cook this year (even just for myself). I had to work, as it's not a holiday here (of course). Also, the kids went to see their mother, requiring my husband to spend some time on the road. Hopefully, he'll be back in time to pick me up from work. Yes, I am blogging during work. I'm waiting on some information that I have to make pie charts out of. Who knew that my mad excel skills would be so handy? Maybe that stats class was sort of worth it...

I'm feeling much better since my last post. My cough is much better, though I've been feeling a little weak and a bit dizzy. I can almost sleep laying down. My spouse taught me how to make this wonderful Jordanian beverage that I now love. It's hot milk, honey, and zaatar tea. It reminds me of the mint tea with cream that we used to make at my beloved coffee house job in Indiana. mmmmm.

Antibiotics, Pregnancy, and the Internet

2008-11-26T01:56:00.002-05:00

Is it strange that I already feel like a terrible mother? Here's the gist: I've been terribly sick for a couple of weeks now. The first time I went to the doc (my OB-GYN, keep in mind), I told her that I was throwing up and that I had fever and chills. Instead of examining me, she told me I had morning sickness. I actually doubted myself and believed her until I got better and stopped throwing up. Skip forward 2 weeks: I go back to the doctor, tell her I've been sick and that I'm coughing all the time. Instead of examining me (see the pattern) she prescribes Augmentin. She just assumed the cough was viral. When I went through the entire course of the antibiotic and didn't improve, I called her back and was like, "what's the deal? I'm not better, I'm worse." And by worse, I mean sleeping sitting up and hacking up disgusting amounts of colored goo. She said, "oh, I guess it's not viral. It must be bacterial." Then she prescribed me clarithromycin. Now, doubting her abilities, I googled it, and the literature says there is not enough information available to see if it will harm a woman's unborn child. AHHHHHH!!!!!

Let's recap: I had a bad fever in the first trimester, and I've been on a total of three courses of antibiotics, one of which is of "unknown" safety standards. Let's just say that I'm pretty terrified for my baby at this point.

My husband keeps telling me not to worry--it's the worry that will harm the baby. But after reading a lot online about fever in early pregnancy causing miscarriage in combination with this sketchy drug...how can I not worry??

The other day I saw the little guy or girl on the ultrasound, and all seems to be well---you can see the head, body, and the little arms and legs. We are due to go back to the doc on Dec. 23, and then we will likely be able to determine the gender. If something happens and I miscarry, or something is wrong with my baby when it's born...I'm going to be crushed...

History Made...

2008-11-11T05:12:00.002-05:00

God, I wish I had been in the U.S. (especially DC) to have seen the euphoria for myself. A naturalized Greek friend of mine likened the mood to how the people felt in Greece after the junta fell.

I normally hate the NY times, but this op-ed was so good:'

For eight years, we’ve been told by those in power that we are small, bigoted and stupid — easily divided and easily frightened. This was the toxic catechism of Bush-Rove politics. It was the soiled banner picked up by the sad McCain campaign, and it was often abetted by an amen corner in the dominant news media. We heard this slander of America so often that we all started to believe it, liberals most certainly included. If I had a dollar for every Democrat who told me there was no way that Americans would ever turn against the war in Iraq or definitively reject Bush governance or elect a black man named Barack Hussein Obama president, I could almost start to recoup my 401(k). Few wanted to take yes for an answer.
So let’s be blunt. Almost every assumption about America that was taken as a given by our political culture on Tuesday morning was proved wrong by Tuesday night.

Wahme: Part Deux

2008-11-03T01:57:00.003-05:00

Last night, I had a desperate craving for spicy green olives, aged Dutch gouda, and chocolate ice cream. After me and wonderful husband made a midnight run to the Safeway (I couldn't wait--it was overwhelming) I decided that I should start keeping track of the different things I've been craving at different times. First, it was Doritos. Then, hummous falafel. Then, pizza. Then, the olive/gouda/ice cream thing. Good God, what next...

On the upside, I had a viable job interview the other day. Viable in the sense that it would actually pay enough monthly to cover my student loan debt. So, pray people. I really need it. I'm overqualified, but at this point I truly don't care and will take almost anything that's going to keep me out of default.

On the kid front, they are behaving better. It's like a kind of culture shock--there are these ups and downs in their behavior, but gradually, the ups are less up and the downs are less down. So, it sounds like it will eventually settle on a kind of equalibrium. I went through this period where my heart froze for a while with them. Like, even when they were good, it failed to make an impact with me because of the memories of all the previous terrible things they did. Thank God I'm starting to unthaw again. Though it leaves me open to hurt, I'm more myself when I'm warm hearted. When I feel cold inside, it hurts all my relationships. Things are hopefully calming down all around...

I also learned something new with Jordanian blanket etiquette. Since it is winter, my husband got out this wooly blanket that is truly sheep-like on one side. Not knowing any better, I just threw it on top of our other blankets before we went to sleep. When it was time for bed, he saw it and started laughing. He said, "why did you do that? It's supposed to go underneath." I said, "underneath what?" "Underneath us!" "You're kidding."

Since we were both exhausted, we left it as was, but he expressed concern (jokingly) that we had better lock the door because if the kids saw this blanket on top, they would ask themselves, 'what did this American woman do to our Dad?'

I said, "Ok, ok, you made your point. Ahab will go underneath next time, but this time, give him a break. It sounds like this is the first and last time that this poor sheep will get to sleep on top."

"Ahab?"

"Yeah, I think we should name him. Do you like it?"

"It's just not right. It's like calling your mother your aunt."

"What?"

"Never mind. Ahab the sheep is fine."

Doritos

2008-10-23T01:51:00.004-05:00

I should start a dictionary of concepts for Jordan. I don't think it's enough to "learn Arabic" (whatever derivation you choose to study). Really, people think and do things in a completely different way here. As my spouse says, "it's a different world."

Under the subheading "Pregnancy in the Arab World," I would need to add the term "wahmeh." In the dictionary, it literally means "craving, or to have an appetite for." But, as is usual here, there are entire chapters of things one needs to know in order to fit it into context.

My husband is kicking my butt lately for not eating enough, and I'm telling him that I'm trying my best, but be damned if nothing sounds good. I cook food for the kids and all of it is totally unappetizing to me. I don't even want to taste it to see if it's ok. The flip side of this feeling is that when I do want something specific, the desire is ridiculously strong.

Today I was chatting with my sister online, and we started talking about when we were kids and how we used to play Mario Bros. 3 together, eat whole bags of doritos, and wrap ourselves in 'afghans,' (I think this must be a midwestern term for blanket, looking back, but it sounds so strange saying it now) and sit in front of the wood stove to keep warm. Now, I would kill for a bag of nacho cheese doritos.

I called my husband and told him about the funny conversation with my sister, and he said, "aha, this is called wahmeh." He then expressed the full intention to go and get me anything I could be craving. This is because here, it is believed that if a mother craves something during pregnancy and doesn't get it, it will leave a birthmark in the shape of that food on the child. I started laughing after he told me this, and he said that it's serious and not funny--he has many colleagues that this has happened to...I just laughed more and said, "do you know how funny it would be if our child was born with dorito-shaped marks on his body? These little triangles..." Nonetheless, my spouse pledged that no child of his would be marked by his mother's unmet cravings, so I think tonight we are going to go to the Safeway. Mmmm. Nacho cheese.

The sickness of morning...

2008-10-20T05:23:00.002-05:00

It has started. The first 6 weeks were blessedly free of the stuff, but then came yesterday. I woke up at the usual 6:30 to get everyone's day started, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get up or keep anything down. I think I also had fever and chills. We went to the doc, and I told her I thought it was like a 24 hour bug, but she didn't seem to think so. I felt much better today. No fever and chills and much less nausea. Only time will tell to see who's right. It seems as if my morning sickness came in like a lion, on top of having a UTI. So, I'm on some baby-safe antibiotics and nausea medication so that i can actually keep down some food. Wooooo! Eating. I've discovered this stuff called shanineh. It's like a salty yogurt drink. Truthfully, I hate it, but it is waaaaay better than gatorade at restoring me to normality whenever i start to feel wooozy. Life is getting to be a bit much, but hopefully things will be ok. The house is starting to look terrible. Pseudo-Mom (me) hasn't been able to do much the last two days, so things are dirty and not well organized. My wonderful spouse is doing his best, but I think it's starting to take a toll on him. Doing two jobs at once is nooooo fun. Hopefully by tomorrow, I'll be back on my feet completely and can kick some ass.

The doc said I'm officially 6 weeks along, and we were able to see the fetal pulsation on the ultrasound. She said that the baby is nice and strong. I told my husband that the kid must be taking after him. We've started saying "he," when talking about the baby. Maybe it's a sign. :)

Just catching up on my NYT reading...

2008-10-14T07:52:00.002-05:00

“Guns, abortion, homosexuality, religion, protecting Israel, taxes,” Mr. Wood continued. “I feel like he is totally different from where I stand, and I worry what he would do to this country. And listen, I’ve voted for black Republicans before — voted for one for governor last time — but Obama is just this very privileged kind.”

Notice the placement of Israel on this strange list...

Big Changes on the Way...

2008-10-14T03:22:00.002-05:00

A little over two weeks until the election, and I just now am requesting my absentee ballot. Oops.

I guess some general large-scale changes that have taken place in life have been that, along with my marriage to my wonderful spouse, I also became a stepmother of 4. This has been a crazily rough transition for all of us. I am now awesome at changing diapers, comforting screaming children, getting everyone up, fed, and dressed in the morning, cooking huge meals, and keeping the house basically clean. Basically. I cut my teeth on this during Ramadan, making it all the more challenging.

For a while, my husband and I had/have an insurgency on our hands from the kids, because their mother haaaates my wonderful husband. Their divorce was not pretty, so her bliss is finding ways to make us all miserable--including using the kids as tools in this. Fortunately, like culture shock, these kind of things go in waves. The lows aren't quite as low now, and the highs aren't quite as high now, and things seeeeem* (currently) to be settling into a kind of pattern of semi-normality: a couple days of full-blown rebellion (shouting, yelling, crying, etc.), followed by a couple of days of relative calm and at least surface level harmony: (cooperation, politeness, respect, not too many problems). Thankfully, the kids are busy with school and have a TV in their bedroom, so most of the time my life is not that difficult.

The littlest one, my little joy, is 2. He is unabashedly affectionate, and takes up all of my time because he needs constant supervision. Within the last couple of days, he started going to the hadhaneh (like a daycare) and LOVES it. He is one of these incredibly social little creatures who needs lots and lots of interaction. This is great all around because now I'm looking for a job full-time, and hopefully will land something soon. It sounds like I'm going to start out teaching English conversation, and then hopefully I can land a real job based on the experience I'll get with this one. I've been looking for jobs in my field, but these are few and far between. The entry-level stuff goes mainly to Jordanian nationals, and I'm not qualified for the mid-level stuff. So, I'm just applying to anything that looks like it fits.

The other big news in my life is that I'm going to be having a baby of my own! The little one is due in June (inshallah). My husband is betting that it's a boy, but I'm kind of holding out for a girl. Really, it doesn't matter much though. I'll be happy anyway.

More on Marriage...

2008-07-29T15:37:00.002-05:00

Apparently, I'm not the only one on about the meltdown of marital mechanisms in the Middle East...KabobFest blames it on the rampant takeover of the series "Noor." Personally, this Mohannad guy I find terribly unattractive.

Ebb and Flow

2008-07-28T12:16:00.002-05:00

Two steps forward, one step back. I hesitate to say anything, honestly. Something good happens, something bad happens, something great happens, something terrible happens. I just want to live simply and without drama, but unfortunately, drama finds me. The cliche of "live and let live" does not exist here. Everything that a person does affects everyone else, so everyone has a say in everyone else's affairs. The web of relationships is complex, intricate, both strong and fragile. They say that you never want to "cut the hair of mu'awiya." This means that even if someone does something terrible, you still want to preserve the existence of the relationship. It means never cutting ties if you don't have to. This is a beautiful concept, but I've seen a lot of ways in which people have abused the system. Like rampaging elephants in the proverbial china shop, they take full advantage of the fact that social relationships are strong, lasting, and span generations upon generations of people. It really takes a complete catastrophe to merit socially sanctioning a serious wrongdoer, especially if their father was a big or well-respected person in the community. Lately, my sense of justice has been completely offended. Buried, really, because of this. If people are bad, I mean, truly and completely---all of their actions are meant to harm, then for God's sake...why keep these people in your life where they cause damage? Granted, these kind of people are rare, but I seem to have found a great deal of them in my path lately. I just can't stand destructive, selfish, demanding awful people. They don't want to solve problems in a good, constructive, quick way. They want to drag it out and hurt everyone. Ok, enough generalized and unhelpful venting...

Reputation. Honor. Dignity. Face. These concepts are massive. They are both constraining in that they dictate certain kinds of actions or behavior, but they are also liberating in the sense that if you have all of these things, then you have a lot of power in the community.

I guess my rants of late do not really apply in the city where social relations are weaker. Outside of Amman though, things are run by families, tribes, clans, whatever you want to call them. You learn someone's last name, and they say, "oh, you're from 'x' village." Everyone knows who you are, who your relatives are, what their social standing is, etc. in that particular area. It's good in that it is very protective--strangers in the community are noticed immediately. On the other hand, OMG. It can be tough. You really have to be saavy about what you say and do, and especially how you interact with other people. In a couple of highly difficult interactions lately (along the lines of terrible) I inadvertently did exactly the right thing. That is, I kept my mouth shut. When someone is unjustifiably attacking you in the U.S., the right thing to do is to defend yourself. In this particular instance, I just didn't respond at all. I kept my peace, and ignored the berration completely. The situation was complicated and I can't get into details, but by keeping my peace I angered this person much more than if I would have engaged them. They wanted to make me angry and get me to argue. *wipes sweat from brow...*

In the very tiniest example (like, miniscule) I made coffee today for my wonderful spouse, and his brother and the wife of his brother. Well, you have to know the social standing of the people who you serve coffee to, because that dictates the order in which they receive it. My husband's brother is older than him. I made a mistake and served my husband first. They were sweet and told me about the mistake. Next time, hopefully I'll be quicker on my feet and just ask someone if I'm not sure.

The social scientist in me loves this stuff, but the artist in me also feels constrained. I was never a conformist in the U.S. I'm fascinated and want to learn everything, but sometimes I miss the times where I could just wing it and not be misread. Americans, go figure. The rules are, there are no rules. This is really difficult for people who move from 'East to West,' as it were. They are used to a system so they don't have to think about it--they work, function in, and thrive within the clearly defined social limits (usually...sometimes...I don't know). In the U.S., it is simpler, but more complicated. I hosted people of various nationalities in the U.S. before, and when they first arrived, they were totally confused about these things. You know, the simple stuff. How to have a meal with Americans in America. I guess we do have ways of doing things, but there is a lot of flexibility, and every household sort of has it's own system that has evolved, relatively speaking.

I guess, things are better and worse, but always evolving and moving forward. The process of actually living in another country is a tremendous undertaking. I'm not just talking about a semester abroad kind of thing--that is basically glorified tourism in which you are a participant observer. There is a detachment on your part, as you fully intend to go back home. You learn about it, but you don't necessarily learn it for life. It's something interesting. But actually leaving your home to live in a different country for the foreseeable future...it's not just adapting. It's adopting. I hesitate to use the 'its like when you buy new underwear' analogy. It's more like learning to breath differently. I guess I'm tired, happy, baffled, surprised, shocked, angry, content, and generally unsettled. I'm sure this will pass as time passes.

Wow, that was long-winded.

[Edited] Jordanian Women

2008-07-25T14:19:00.004-05:00

I was really angry when I wrote this post. I'm still furious. I've just been in contact with probably some of the worst possible representatives of the 'fairer sex' here, and I've never seen the like. I don't want to be specific, since they are relatives of new relatives, but dear God. Sorry to vent this on my blog, but I don't have many other outlets right now. I'm feeling rather compressed. Surely things will improve in about a week.

Developments

2008-07-24T11:28:00.002-05:00

Things seem to be improving, but sometimes I feel like they come up a draw. Such is life, right? The wonderful spouse found us an apartment, and I'm desperately trying to adjust and learn the language. Gah...challenges, challenges.

Back in Jordania

2008-07-19T14:38:00.002-05:00

This has been quite a trip.

I got married, and now I'm here. After a long, uncomfortable plane ride, I was welcomed with open arms back into the lap of the family I left. I.e., I'm staying with my old host family again. It is because my spouse has not yet managed to find us an apartment in Amman. There are too many people from the gulf (with lots of money) who have taken everything in the city. They have the dough, and the gulf right now is just tooooo hot. Also, with huge numbers of Iraqis and Palestinian refugees, housing is not just expensive--it's impossible to find. The spouse is considering looking for something in Irbid, temporarily (gah!). But, it would likely be better than continuing to live separately from him for the forseeable future. I miss him so much!!!

I think that this time around in Jordan, it has been much easier for me to adjust. I know exactly what to expect, plus, since I'm now a married woman and a part of their family, they love me, respect me, and come to my aid. My host dad (now brother in law, oddly) gave my spouse a hard time about having to leave me for long periods of time. I loved that he has my back like that. It's not my spouse's fault--things are so busy right now. He's in the process of going back to his old job, trying to settle the social situation, and looking for an apartment--most likely, along with 100 other things. I just feel bad for not being able to help him. It's a man's world here, and right now with no job, no transportation, poor language skills, etc., it's not as if i can help him in any of his tasks or burdens. I'm pretty bored, actually. I should probably enjoy the quiet while I can, but I'm not really that kind of person. I feel best when I'm busy. On the upside, I've gotten lots of reading done.

Anyways, things are improving daily. We still have a lot of problems to overcome, but things are settling slowly. I just need to be patient (not my best trait).

McClatchy: Iraqis claim Marines are pushing Christianity in Fallujah

2008-05-30T10:07:00.002-05:00

Kudos to McClatchy's reporters for breaking this story. This is what happens when you actually have people who speak Arabic working as reporters and analysts--you find out what people are thinking and how they perceive things.

"Now residents of the city are abuzz that some Americans whom they consider occupiers are also acting as Christian missionaries. Residents said some Marines at the western entrance to their city have been passing out the coins for two days in what they call a "humiliating" attempt to convert them to Christianity.

...

In interviews, residents of Fallujah repeated two words — "humiliation" and "weakness".
"Because we are weak this is happening," said a shop owner who gave his name as Abu Abdullah. "Passing Christianity this way is disrespectful."

Collective Punishment

2008-05-30T09:04:00.004-05:00

UPDATE: The scholarships have been reinstated. Yay!!

U.S. Withdraws Fulbright Grants to Gaza (NYTimes)

So, the U.S. is cancelling Fulbright scholarships awarded to students in Gaza because they don't want the money to go to waste in case the students are denied the ability to leave. When debating this in the Knesset (Israel's parliament), this was said:

"Some Israeli lawmakers, who held a hearing on the issue of student movement out of Gaza on Wednesday, expressed anger that their government was failing to promote educational and civil development in a future Palestine given the hundreds of students who had been offered grants by the United States and other Western governments. “This could be interpreted as collective punishment,” complained Rabbi Michael Melchior, chairman of the Parliament’s education committee, during the hearing. “This policy is not in keeping with international standards or with the moral standards of Jews, who have been subjected to the deprivation of higher education in the past. Even in war, there are rules.” Rabbi Melchior is from the Meimad Party, allied with Labor."

The plot thickens:

"But when a query about the canceled Fulbrights was made to the prime minister’s office on Thursday, senior officials expressed surprise. They said they did, in fact, consider study abroad to be a humanitarian necessity and that when cases were appealed to them, they would facilitate them. They suggested that American officials never brought the Fulbright cases to their attention."

And, when you play by the rules that the U.S. sets...

“I stayed to get my scholarship,” she said. “Now I am desperate.” She, like her six colleagues, was in disbelief. Mr. Abdullah, who called the consulate in Jerusalem for further explanation after receiving his letter, said to the official on the other end, “I still cannot believe that the American administration is not able to convince the Israelis to let seven Palestinians out of Gaza.”

The Stupidest Thing Ever (Today): Rachel Ray is a Terrorist

2008-05-29T16:11:00.004-05:00

From the San Francisco Chronicle:

"A Dunkin' Donuts commercial featuring TV chef Rachael Ray has been ditched after critics accused her of dressing like a terrorist in the ad. Ray, who was announced as the company's new spokeswoman last year, appears in the commercial wearing a black-and-white scarf, alleged to be symbolic of a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Fox news columnist Michelle Malkin explains the garment " ...has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos." "The apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons." Dunkin' Donuts bosses first dismissed complaints, claiming Ray's black-and-white wrap was merely misinterpreted, but an ensuing firestorm forced them to quickly pull the ad from rotation. A statement from company executives reads, "In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. "Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial."

Ah, for once the comments section was a balm to my blistering anger at the rampant McCarthyism and xenophobia (among some) in this country:

Comments

It's a friekin scarf...
Posted By: princessjenjen May 26 2008 at 08:51 AM

Michelle Malkin? Really? What a blowhard.
Posted By: berkeleytaxpayr May 28 2008 at 03:08 PM

Profiling at its finest.
Posted By: hawaiian May 28 2008 at 03:11 PM

What is the world coming to. Now Dunkin Donuts are supporting terrorists. Come on people, it's just a scarf!
Posted By: guiness4me May 28 2008 at 03:12 PM

How F-N stupid.
Posted By: mistymeanor May 28 2008 at 03:13 PM

Ahh...Fox News.....'Nuff said.
Posted By: Good_Karma May 28 2008 at 03:14 PM

Next up, Fox news takes on Brad Paisley for being named after a pattern in a scarf worn by Rachel Ray.
Posted By: Septic_Hank May 28 2008 at 03:20 PM

A great photo of McCain's daughter wearing the exact same scarf (well I think she must have bought her own, not borrowed Rachel's) is cruising the internet. This is also the scarf, called a Shemagh now worn my many American and British soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq, you ignorant Faux Fools.
Posted By: shaboo May 28 2008 at 03:26 PM

Do you suppose they can outlaw people wearing crosses and crucifixes because they're worn by the terrorists who bomb abortion clinics and murder doctors?.What stupidity and bigotry.
Posted By: ForASong May 28 2008 at 03:27 PM

She also has dark hair, most terrorists have dark hair...
Posted By: PreciousB May 28 2008 at 03:33 PM

write to Dunkin Donuts Consumer Care 130 Royall Street Canton Mass 02021 tel 800 859 5339. I am going to complain.
Posted By: slipmahoney May 28 2008 at 05:38 PM

Wow, I feel safer already! Thanks, Fox News!
Posted By: janetvande May 28 2008 at 06:16 PM

Hey...are those cherry trees behind her...ASIAN cherry trees from some communist country? And is that a mosque in the background? And the sky is blue too..wasn't the sky blue on 9/11? Wait a minute...heyyyyy...you can't fool me, Rachael (as if that were your real name).
Posted By: chaffee May 29 2008 at 09:57 AM

The media has successfully linked terrorism with Islam. That scarf was an Arab style scarf and Arabia is associated with Islam. No matter how you want to put it this all falls under prejudice and discrimination. Because thats the same as saying anyone who wears Arabic/Islamic attire will automatically be labeled as a terrorist.It's time for the blame to be placed on the individuals who commit terrorism and NOT blame the entire race/religion those individuals just happened to have been.
Posted By: Basimah72 May 29 2008 at 10:26 AM

I took it down, but grrrr....I felt compelled to put it back.

2008-05-28T16:55:00.003-05:00

Resident Kate McCulloch, who attended Tuesday night's meeting in a wide-brimmed bush hat wrapped with an Australian flag, said Muslims were not welcome in the semi-rural area.
"We just don't want Muslim people in Camden," she told reporters after the meeting.

"We don't want them not only here, we don't want them in Australia. They're an oppressive society, they're a dictatorship."

...

One male resident expressed concerns Muslims would take over the area if the school was approved. "My kids can't read Islamic, how are they going to go to that school, it's all crap," the man told ABC radio. (AFP)

-------

"Tell me one country in the world these people have assimilated in," one woman said.
"If I wore a hijab now I could have an M16 under my hijab and you wouldn't even know I had it there," added another woman. (VOA).

-------

CAMDEN residents have been unfairly portrayed as "rednecks" over the local southwestern Sydney council's rejection of an Islamic school development, the NSW Opposition says. (The Australian).

HAHAHAHHAHAHAA.

Yeah, I know, I know, but...

2008-05-28T15:42:00.002-05:00

I can't stop posting these stories that I find outrageous. I know it's probably not helping anyone to spread this stuff around, but for crying out loud, there is a lot of crazy stuff happening that scares the proverbial pants off me. Like this Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali. So much for promoting tolerance and mutual respect between peoples:

"His claims, in an article published in the new political magazine Standpoint, come just days after he accused the Church of England of failing in its duty to convert British Muslims to Christianity.
...the bishop said the values trumpeted by modern politicians such as "respect, tolerance and good behaviour" are "hardly adequate for the task before us."

So is he promoting derision, intolerance and bad behavior?

The bishop added that Christian hospitality has been replaced by the "newfangled and insecurely founded" doctrine of multiculturalism, which has led to immigrants creating "segregated communities and parallel lives." He said many values respected by society, such as the dignity of human life, equality and freedom, are based on Christian ones."

I'm sure that all the other peoples on this earth are sad to learn that they do not have 'values respected by society.'

The messages of other church leaders are much more encouraging.

Updates...

2008-05-21T16:59:00.002-05:00

So, it's been a while, right?

1. I graduated. Yay! I have an M.A.!
2. I eloped. Yay! I'm married!
3. I lost my wedding band. Doh!
4. I'm out of the job in a month. Doh!
5. It looks like I'm moving back to Jordan. Hmmm.

More on all that, but I found this article really funny...

Favorite quote: "The race for the Democratic nomination—"race" is hardly the right word, is it?—now feels like a quantum physics problem: How long can a body exist in a state approximating motionlessness without actually stopping?"

Intolerance Fatigue

2008-04-28T20:22:00.002-05:00

I've been getting so down lately about the news. What is it about tolerating other people that humans seem so inept at? Two articles I'm going to post spell out pretty clearly how public discourse is shaped by those who have media on their side. And, the more I read and learn, the more I see that all media is inherently biased. How can it not be? It's written from the point of view and perspective and language of the authors. So, American media is written from the American point of view in the English language. This has implications, especially when writing about world events. I could spell it out more, but I'm really tired. Finishing one's graduate thesis takes a lot out of you.

Article 1: Critics Cost Muslim Educator Her Dream School
The true travesty is that this woman did everything right, but because of what happened to her in the media, it came to nothing and many lost out. Sad sad sad.

Article 2: Much Ado
I think this article says a lot about how things like the first article happen. This is not how debate in this country should be run.

Hillary Deathwatch

2008-04-05T20:04:00.002-05:00

You gotta love Slate magazine. Note to self: bookmark the site and check daily.

Muslims in America

2008-04-05T19:49:00.002-05:00

Time magazine is running two features right now that are beautiful. They show the diversity of the Muslim American community in many places in New York, and they have a great photo essay to accompany the article.

On the Anniversary of the Wars...

2008-03-21T21:28:00.003-05:00

Dear America,

You have the right to remain stupid. Anything you say probably will not make sense to anyone. You have the right to remain totally ignorant and to have the consequences of foreign policy executed with the consent of your ignorance, and to bear the catastrophic consequences. If you cannot afford introspection, it will be provided for you at tremendous expense.

There are other choices, though...

Reports/Polls:

Exhaustive review finds no link between Saddam and al Qaida
McClatchy 03/10
An exhaustive review of more than 600,000 Iraqi documents that were captured after the 2003 U.S. invasion has found no evidence that Saddam Hussein's regime had any operational links with Osama bin Laden's al Qaida terrorist network. The Pentagon-sponsored study did confirm that Saddam's regime provided some support to other terrorist groups, particularly in the Middle East, U.S. officials told McClatchy. However, his security services were directed primarily against Iraqi exiles, Shiite Muslims, Kurds and others he considered enemies of his regime. The new study of the Iraqi regime's archives found no documents indicating a "direct operational link" between Hussein's Iraq and al Qaida before the invasion, according to a U.S. official familiar with the report. See report: Iraqi Perspectives Project: Saddam and Terrorism: Emerging Insights from Captured Iraqi Documents Volume 1 (Redacted)

UNAMI issues its 12th report on the situation of human rights in Iraq
UNAMI 03/15
The UN Assistance Mission for Iraq (UNAMI) issued its twelfth report on the human rights situation in the country covering the period 1 July – 31 December 2007. The report recognizes that the last three months of 2007 were characterized by a marked decrease in violent attacks involving mass casualties, including suicide attacks and car bombings. See recent reports:
Human Rights Report 1 July – 31 Dec 2007
Iraq Displacement Assessments - March 08
Minority Religious Groups in Iraq - March 08
Iraq Assessed IDPs, Map 1 - March 08
Iraq Assessed IDPs, Map 2 - March 08

Carnage and despair in Iraq
AI 03/17
Five years after the US-led invasion of Iraq, the country is still in disarray. The human rights situation is disastrous, a climate of impunity has prevailed, the economy is in tatters and the refugee crisis continues to escalating. A new Amnesty International report, Carnage and Despair: Iraq five years on, says that, despite the heavy presence of US and Iraqi security forces, Iraq is one of the most dangerous countries in the world, with hundreds of Iraqi civilians killed every month.
See report: Amnesty International Report: Carnage and Despair: Iraq Five Years On

Iraq: no let-up in the humanitarian crisis
ICRC 03/14
Five years after the war started, the humanitarian situation in Iraq is among the most critical in the world. Every day, Iraqis continue to be killed, often in indiscriminate attacks. Health services and utilities are inadequate and the situation is worsened by the lasting effects of earlier armed conflicts and sanctions.
See report: Iraq: No Let-Up in the Humanitarian Crisis

Brookings Iraq Index
Brookings 03/15
See report: Tracking Variables of Reconstruction & Security in Post-Saddam Iraq

Poll suggests Iraqis 'optimistic'
BBC 03/17
More than 50% of Iraqis think their lives are good, more than at any time in the last three years, a survey says. The poll for the BBC, ABC, ARD and NHK of more than 2,000 people also suggests that a majority believe that security in their area has improved since 2007. And while most Iraqis still believe US troops are making things worse, the number who wants the Americans to pull out immediately has fallen. But the poll also shows Iraq's main ethnic groups are deeply divided. BBC World Affairs editor John Simpson says the continuing divisions make it "pretty meaningless to talk about 'Iraqi' opinion." See full poll results here.

US Military Study of Iraq Detainees Provides Insights into the Motivations of Foreign Fighters
AP 03/17
The suicide bombers who have killed 10,000 people in Iraq, including hundreds of American troops, usually are alienated young men from large families who are desperate to stand out from the crowd and make their mark, according to a U.S. military study. As long suspected, most come from outside Iraq. Saudi Arabia, home of most of the 9/11 hijackers, is the single largest source. And the pipeline is continually replenished by al-Qaida in Iraq's recruiters. The study, obtained by The Associated Press, profiles the suicide bombers and their support system based in part on interrogations of 48 foreign fighters who were captured or surrendered. The U.S. command is trying to understand the system, including al-Qaida in Iraq's recruiting, training and transportation network, so it can be disrupted before the bombers strike.
See also: Iraqis Don't Credit US for Safer Lives AP/Asharq Alawsat 03/17
Foreign fighters in Iraq seek recognition, U.S. says L.A. Times 03/17

Ebbing Hope in a Landscape of Loss Marks a National Survey of Iraq
ABC NEWS/USA TODAY/BBC/ARD POLL 03/17
A new national survey paints a devastating portrait of life in Iraq: Widespread violence,mtorn lives, displaced families, emotional damage, collapsing services, an ever-starker sectarian chasm – and a draining away of the underlying optimism that once prevailed. See report: Ebbing Hope in a Landscape of Loss Marks a National Survey of Iraq

The Iraq War after Five Years: The Surge, Current Status, and Military Lessons
A. Cordesman, CSIS 03/17
The attached briefing summarizes the latest US government, Iraqi government, and MNF-I data on the fighting. The maps and charts reflect major progress in defeating Al Qa'ida in Iraq, and in reducing the levels of violence throughout the country. If this victory can be consolidated in Ninewa, Mosul, and the other remaining areas where Al Qa'ida is now concentrating, the key source of civil conflict in Iraq will be largely eliminated. See report: The Iraq War after Five Years

Iraq: The Next Chapter
P. Marr, USIP 03/17
Crafting a national identity has been a long and difficult project for Iraqis. Now, the internecine conflict of a divided state threatens their hard-won sense of who they are as a people. Reconstituting that image will not be easy but it is fundamental to hopes for lasting peace and stability. Phebe Marr explains why this is so.

Iraq by the Numbers
Foreign Policy Magazine 03/19
Is Iraq better off? Five years on, key indicators paint a picture of a country trying to rise from the rubble.

The U.S. Military Index
Foreign Policy Magazine 03/19
After five years of fighting, what is the state of the U.S. military? What toll has the war taken on them? FP and the Center for a New American Security surveyed more than 3,400 retired and active military officers to find out from the men and women who know best.

Iraq’s 100-Year Mortgage
Foreign Policy Magazine 03/19
March 19 marks the fifth anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. The American death toll—nearly 4,000 soldiers in Iraq and almost 500 in Afghanistan—is well known. Much less attention has been paid to the enormous number of troops who have survived and returned home with serious injuries. Here, the numbers are truly staggering.

Measuring Security and Stability in Iraq
Department of Defense 03/2008
The strategic goal of the United States in Iraq remains a unified, democratic and federal Iraq that can govern, defend and sustain itself and is an ally in the war on terror. This goal is being pursued along political, security, economic and diplomatic lines of operation. This report measures progress toward achieving that goal during the reporting period (December 2007 through February 2008) and challenges to the Iraqi and Coalition efforts to achieve their mutual objectives.

Iraq Statistics Reference
Institute for the Study of War 03/2008
Violence in Iraq has declined to some of the lowest levels since the conflict began. In an interview on March 5, 2008, General Petraeus reported that violence levels were down 60 to 70 percent. For updated information on these trends, including graphs and charts released by MNF-I and MNC-I, click here.

History

Iraq key players, then and now
BBC 03/14
The world was divided in 2003 into countries that supported or opposed the Iraq war. The UN was in the middle. Here we recount the arguments for and against made by eight key players, and where they stand now.

Five Years
New York Times 03/17
Five years on, it seems positively surreal. On the evening of March 19, 2003, a small group of Western journalists had grandstand seats for the big event in Baghdad, the start of the full-scale American bombing of strategic targets in the Iraqi capital.

Interactive Media:

Iraq 5 Years In
New York Times 03/19
An overview of major events in the conflict.

Bearing Witness: Five Years of the Iraq War
Reuters 03/19
Through a half decade of war, a team of 100 Reuters correspondents, photographers, cameramen and support staff have strived to bring the world news from the most dangerous country for the press.

Five years in Iraq
The Guardian 03/19
Reports from the award-winning Guardian contributor, who is an Iraqi and has covered the war from both sides of the front line.

Analysis/Opinion:

The War in Iraq: Five Years: Cultural Fallout
San Francisco Chronicle 03/17
Since U.S. forces began bombarding Iraq in 2003, the impact of the war has been felt far beyond the battlefields.

Fateful Choice on Iraq Army Bypassed Debate
New York Times 03/17
When President Bush convened a meeting of his National Security Council on May 22, 2003, his special envoy in Iraq made a statement that caught many of the participants by surprise. In a video presentation from Baghdad, L. Paul Bremer III informed the president and his aides that he was about to issue an order formally dissolving Iraq’s Army.

The story that isn't being told
The Guardian 03/17
In the past five years, Iraq has never stopped being the most important international news story and the biggest challenge for news organizations and journalists from all over the world. Yet at the same time, our ability to report what must be the most consequential war of the past 30 years has been eroded, to the point where journalists, however large and well-funded their news organization, can only try to provide a snapshot of the war's impact on Iraqi society.

Iraq: Who won the war?
The Independent 03/16
Five years ago today, Britain stood on the brink of war. On 16 March 2003, United Nations weapons inspectors were advised to leave Iraq within 48 hours, and the "shock and awe" bombing campaign began less than 100 hours later, on 20 March. The moment the neocons around President George Bush had worked so long for, aided by the moral fervor of Tony Blair, was about to arrive.

Stuck in the Iraq Loop
Washington Post 03/17
There is a paradox in the current situation in Iraq. We are told that the surge has worked brilliantly and violence is way down. And yet the plan to reduce troop levels—which was at the heart of the original surge strategy—must be postponed or all hell will once again break loose. Making sense of this paradox is critical. Because in certain crucial ways things are not improving in Iraq, and unless they start improving soon, the United States faces the awful prospect of an unending peacekeeping operation—with continuing if limited casualties—for years to come.

At Last
Newsweek 03/17
Finally, the U.S. is taking more notice of ordinary Iraqis. After five years in Baghdad, a NEWSWEEK reporter hopes it's not too late.

Strategic Redeployment and Reset: A New Policy for Iraq
Brian Katulis, CAP 03/18
The next administration faces a range of bad policy options in Iraq, each with costly and unfavorable outcomes for U.S. interests. The best strategy among these available options is a policy of strategic redeployment from Iraq as part of an overall strategic reset of U.S. national security. This paper highlights three core components of that proposed strategy and makes the case for a strategic reset in the Middle East in light of recent events in Iraq.

A Long Road in Iraq
Washington Post 03/17
On the eve of the U.S.-led invasion to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush offered this rationale: "We have no ambition in Iraq, except to remove a threat and restore control of that country to its own people." But five years later, the U.S. military continues its fight to "restore control," and so far a divided Iraqi government has been unable to reconcile important economic and political issues. The U.S. public, meanwhile, has gone through a cycle of emotions on Iraq. In March 2003, a poll showed 71 percent of Americans supported going to war (Washington Post). An ABC News/Washington Post poll in March 2008 paints a different picture: 63 percent felt the war was not worth fighting. And yet a slight majority of Americans -- 53 percent -- believe the U.S. effort in Iraq will one day succeed (Pew), despite nearly 4,000 dead (PDF) and over 29,000 wounded (PDF) soldiers.

Bush's War, Five Years On
Washington Post 03/17
Unless the economy disintegrates entirely, President Bush's chief legacy will almost certainly be the war in Iraq -- or, more accurately, the violent occupation of Iraq -- that enters its sixth year later this week.

Research!!

2008-03-10T21:44:00.002-05:00

I've been doing some interviewing for a paper I'm writing, and got a beautiful surprise. I'm interviewing Jordanians, and the last one gave me several beautiful things: baladi olives (olives, like grown on the guy's farm at home olives), miriyamiye (sage) and Al-Arabi coffee. Yay!!! All of it is excellent stuff. Ah, happiness can be so simple.

Back to my favorite topic...

2008-02-27T11:44:00.002-05:00

I've been super busy lately. The only thing I've kept up with is the news. I wanted to share two articles I ran across that have kind of that nice contrast between perception and reality when it comes to what people think Muslims think, and what Muslims actually think, and what people think of Muslims.

1. ABC news tests the waters of bigotry toward women who wear headscarves. It was basically a set-up to see "what would people do if they saw obvious (and illegal) bigotry in action." While it is roundly criticized in the comments section (by trolls) for being 'not journalism,' I found it interesting--it's sort of on the lines of experiments on human behavior: like, if you were ordered to torture someone, would you follow orders or stand up and be counted among the ethical. Well, as usual, a surprisingly large amount of people just go along with these kind of things...

2. There is a very prevalent current of thought out there that pins all the bad things done by Muslims on Islam. All too often, I read about how "Islam does this" and "Islam says that" and "Islam makes people murder." Really? You talked to Islam? Did you shake his hand for me? Ridiculous. Getting down to the root of the issue, i.e., "why do Muslims seem to be so angry," or the perennial, "why do they hate us," there is a new book out called, Who Speaks for Islam. The gist of the book is that it surveys people all over the Muslim world and finds out, shockingly, that Muslims don't actually "hate us for our freedom," and even would actually like to have self-determination. [Note: some of my adjectives are used sarcastically.]

As usual, the comments section made me sick for this country...why is it so impossible for some to believe that one can be an excellent Muslim and American at the same time?

Analysis: 'Our Country is in Trouble'

2008-02-15T14:56:00.003-05:00

Interesting article in Newsweek. It's an interview with the 20-year veteran of the CIA who wrote Imperial Hubris, discussing OBL and the WOT. Here are my favorite excerpts:

News week: Why haven't we won?
Michael Scheuer:
Because our political elite do not want to level with the American people about the real reasons why bin Laden hates and opposes us. Our leaders say he and his followers hate us because of who we are, because we have early primaries in Iowa every four years and allow women in the workplace. That's nonsense. I don't think he would have those things in his country. But that's not why he opposes us. I read bin Laden's writings and I take him at his word. He and his followers hate us because of specific aspects of U.S. . Bin Laden lays them out for anyone to read. Six elements: our unqualified support for Israel; our presence on the Arabian peninsula, which is land they deem holy; our military presence in other Islamic countries; our support of foreign states that oppress Muslims, especially Russia, China and India; our long-term policy of keeping oil prices artificially low to the benefit of Western consumers but the detriment of the Arab people; and our support for Arab tyrannies who will do that.

Newsweek: You say bin Laden has laid all this out. But one doesn't hear discussion of this in the current presidential campaign.
Michael Scheuer: I've come to the conclusion that it's just too inconvenient for our political class. It's much easier to tell Americans that crazy people are after you and tomorrow morning your daughter is going to have to go to school in a burqa. And we have so few people, even now, with real expertise in the Arab world. In the year 9/11 happened, there were three Ph.D.s awarded that bore on Arab affairs. Three, in the whole country. One was in Islamic architecture. One was in Islamic poetry. The third was in Islamic history. And things haven't gotten a lot better since. We are still not building the intellectual capital we need. In the cold war did we say, "We really don't need to understand what Marx or Lenin or Stalin wrote because they are just gangsters, not smart men, just nihilists, and we can beat them because we are the good guys"? No. We built, with government money, institutions to study the Soviet Union. But almost nothing comparable is being done now. The effort is tiny. And more often than not you find that the outfits we do have are funded by Saudi money. Which means there are real constraints on what they can say. So I read in the National Review or the Weekly Standard about Osama bin Laden being a gangster or an idiot or both. But I have to tell you there is a touch of genius here. To pick the six elements of U.S. foreign policy that are most entwined with our domestic is a great piece of analysis. Because it makes frank debate so tough.

"...Osama bin Laden is, in some sense, talking about a war of liberation. And it is true that for 50 years we have supported tyrannies that have oppressed Muslims, tyrannies with strong fascist elements. We hear a lot of talk about "Islamofascists." Yes, there's a lot of them out there. And they're all on our side. They're in Riyadh, Amman, Kuwait City, Cairo. Even Bernard Lewis, the patron saint of our neocons, has written that the governments that rule Muslims are basically [practicing] European fascism adapted to the sand …"

Neti Pot!!

2008-02-13T10:51:00.002-05:00

Ok, so, I'm sick. Looking for remedies online, I ran across possibly the best video ever. I nearly died laughing. The music alone made me so happy.

From the comments section:

"Damn you! Now during my crepuscular nasal ablutions this cursed song starts running through my head. Such an evil choice. Cheers!"

"pitter pitter patter pit. I like to hear the rain come down."

Jerusalem

2008-02-12T20:43:00.000-05:00

Here is a great article I ran across about why Jerusalem is important in Islam. As a side note, I love the author, Karen Armstrong. She is one of the few people who writes about religion respectfully.

Fanatics, Wikileaks, and Guidebooks

2008-02-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

Here are some interesting articles I stumbled across in my daily patrol of news about Iraq:

1. "The influence of the western media, especially the US, can be gauged from its success in creating the image of Muslim men as gun-toting religious fanatics and that of Muslim women as veiled ignorant cows."

Yeah, I don't know if I would go that far...

2. "American military forces in Iraq were authorized to pursue former members of Saddam Hussein's government and terrorists across Iraq’s borders into Iran and Syria, according to a classified 2005 document that has been made public by an independent Web site, called 'Wikileaks'."

Weeeeee!!! What a great idea! Wikileaks??? This is seriously the coolest thing I have found out about in a long time. Just when you think the world is going down, the internet again brings a smile of pure joy to my face...Hope it lasts longer than I think it will. Its tag line is, "global defense of sources and press freedoms, circa now—"

3. "As many as 80 percent Muslim voters in the United States are participating in primaries for the 2008 presidential elections, among the highest aggregates by any ethnic or religious group in America."

See? Muslims do like democracy...

4. "British ministries have been advised on how to communicate with Muslim communities without unknowingly threatening or alienating them with a new phrasebook, The Guardian reported on Monday.

Citing a copy of the phrasebook, aimed at making government communication more sophisticated and prevent misunderstandings, the newspaper said the guide instructed civil servants to 'avoid implying that specific communities are to blame' for extremist activities."

I don't know if I find this patronizing, or a nice attempt at smoothing the wrinkles in cross-cultural communication currently prevailing between Muslims and Western governments.

The Jewish Burqa

2008-02-04T10:16:00.000-05:00

"...Women scurrying through the backstreets of a Middle Eastern city, the curves of their bodies covered in up to 10 layers of thick cloth and only their eyes visible to the outside world.
But these women are not Muslims choosing to wrap themselves in full length niqabs or burqas, these are a small group of ultra-Orthodox Jewish women in Israel who have taken to wearing quite possibly one of the most austere forms of "Jewish hijab" available. A report in this week's Jewish Chronicle reports on the 100 or so followers of Rabbanit Bruria Keren, a mother of 10 from an ultra-Orthodox Charedi community who tells her followers to wear clothing strikingly similar to the Afghan burqa in order to keep their bodies under wraps and thus ensure salvation..." Click here to read the article.

Interesting to see how in the comments section, people seem to be much more sympathetic to 'women's choice' concerning their wardrobe. For me, it illustates how we should be thinking in terms of what our respective faiths have in common, not how they differ. Furthermore, we should also remind ourselves of the huge divergence present in interpretation of how these faiths are lived.

Going back to the original article, I was rather disappointed to read how, rather than seeing themselves as being 'cut from the same cloth' (pun intended) of the other Abrahamic faiths, these orthodox Jewish women still consider it an 'insult' to be mistaken for an Arab, Muslim, or Christian. They are also pitched in the article as being more empowered and feminist, rather than burdened with the trope reserved for Muslims, which is always of the oppressed powerless woman, hopelessly veiled against her will.

Which News is Real??? You Decide!!!

2008-01-30T16:36:00.000-05:00

Iraqis are embracing the internet to lampoon the war with often dark humour, with British and American soldiers, firebrand clerics and the danger of terrorist attacks featuring in "blooper" videos.

A high school student who has the fastest mile and two-mile times of any girl runner in Washington DC in recent times has been disqualified from a local indoor track-and-field competition after officials said her Muslim clothing violated national competition rules.

“I feel as though I’m walking through a cemetery,” said Paul Scholte, an environmental scientist who is the chief officer for the United Nations Development Program on this arid, windswept island, 200 miles off Yemen.

In an alarming report released Monday by the Central Intelligence Agency, Syria may be harboring upwards of 15 million known Arabs within its borders.

Haters: D.C.-Style

2008-01-30T15:55:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting so much lately. Working near full-time and going to school full-time just kind of leaves you with nothing in the evenings. I just wanted to make time to write about the sort of crazy thing that happened yesterday. A couple posts ago, I wrote about how reading the comments section on articles about Muslims leaves me fearing hate crimes. Well, maybe I wasn't so far off base with that fear--is it really paranoia if they are out to get you?

Last night I was at the Safeway in Georgetown with my friend A., and we were buying chicken and potato salad, of all things (how American is that?!). As we were walking to our van in the parking lot, a man walked quickly past us, and as he did so, he started smacking one of his fists into another, while staring at us--the universal signal for 'I want to beat the crap out of you'. Thank God he kept walking. My mouth kind of fell open. Yes, we looked like Muslims. At least, I did. I also made the 'mistake' of wearing my winter coat, which happens to be long and black (and, irrelevantly, wool). It's a great coat. Maybe it was just too much for this guy.

A. took it all in stride. He told me to calm down, and that this guy was just expressing his hatred. I was freaked out, because usually, I get one of two things: troubled-looking frowns, or tentative apologetic smiles. This is the first time I got a non-verbal threat of violence. I asked A. how he handled it so well. He said, that coming from Jordan, he's been discriminated against his whole life. In Jordan, if you are from the north, people in the south hate you. If you are from one tribe, you get problems from another tribe. Etc., etc., etc. I guess I just had high expectations for D.C. It thought that the huge level of diversity was sort of an insulating factor that enabled me to dress as I wish--purposely, or in this case, rather accidently.

In the past, I have felt a little ashamed for paying soooo much attention to my dress. I still have wanted to express my identity, but when I'm in the U.S., I try to 'Americanize' myself as much as possible in order to make people feel safer. For that matter, when I was in Jordan, I looked more 'Jordanian' than the Jordanians. I even will admit to selective uses of the scarf--I don't wear it when I travel into the homogenous heart of the country. So, I'm a little confused. On one hand, I feel like I lack integrity when I exercise fashion flexibility to mitigate the nervousness of others. On the other hand, I have no desire to become the victim of such a stupid kind of violence. Either way, I'm feeling bad--like a sell-out, or like I'm just asking for trouble.

I'm just waiting for the day when someone tells me to 'go home'. I'll say, "Where? Indiana?"

935 Lies to Start a War...

2008-01-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

I want accountability. If my elected officials deliberately lie on-record, then there should be some sort of consequences, correct? To those with faith in the government, in the system, or have a deeply held belief that 'America is good' should do something to protect it--like booting out the politicians who poison this country.

In the recent articles out about this stupidly simple, yet groundbreaking report, watching how the media reports it is quite interesting. Do they say "lies"? Not commonly--usually, only if they have no interest in protecting their credibility with American audiences--like if you publish in Germany or Australia. The Washington Post says 'falsehoods'. The Baltimore Sun calls them 'falsities'. CNN tries 'false statements'. For my own entertainment, I check to see if Fox News even covered the report. They did, but buried it within a story about theoretical occurences during political primaries. Whoops. Bet that was an accident.

I had a conversation not too long ago with a friend of mine who came from a country that had just emerged from an authoritarian fascist dictatorship (too much of a giveaway?). He told me that what he has seen happening in America for the last couple of years is way too disturbing, and that he's actually thinking of leaving if things get worse. This is bad, guys. People who came here seeking freedom are now thinking about leaving. Is the ship sinking under our feet? We also agreed that the truth about the war, reasons for the war, and all of the illegal activities sponsored by the government and happening right now probably won't be revealed for the next 50 years.

If you click on the link for the report that I gave above, scroll down that first page. It has a bar graph of the amount of lies per month, broken down topically from 9/11 to today.

The New and Improved Daily Grind

2008-01-14T15:48:00.000-05:00

It sort of feels like grinding coffee with my bare teeth!! No, really though...

So, I started working full-time for an NGO that promotes democracy in Ay-Rack. It's actually a pretty cool job. I get to scan like 15 news sources for relevant stuff, and put together a daily entourage of 'what the hizzle happened today'. I enjoy it. I'm also doing administrative shtuff. Like mailing things to Dublin, but then neglecting to add enough postage to cover the international rate. That 20 cents makes a lot of difference...

I start school again today. One semester left, and then I graduate and become a real person. I don't get to do things like register myself as a 'student' in lieu of my occupation. I can have an occupation besides getting further in debt. I can afford things like sushi and avacado smoothies of death.

Other than that, life is really looking up. I have some good things happening that I don't want to explain publicly...call me supersticious...

Pastry Puckishness or Karma Strikes My Shower

2008-01-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

I don't really have anything earth-shaking to add. There have been a few small things that makes me think about karma. For instance, the whole showering thing. I don't know how many posts I mentioned showering (complaining) while I was in Jordan, but it looks like I have to eat my words. The apartment people found a leak in the room above mine--specifically right above my shower. This caused the ceiling to fall in, and the actions of the maintenance people were to put plastic sheeting and duct tape over the hole, which was still dripping water. Needless to say, the accumulation of drippage caused the sheeting to fall. I'm ok with going a couple of days without my beloved bath, but since I'm starting a new job tomorrow, I decided to put thumb tacks into the sheeting to hold it up and punch some holes to let the water leak out. I'm gonna try to shower tonight while dodging questionable falling water from unspeakable sources. The maintenance people are going to come again while I am at work tomorrow to stop the leak. Then I have to wait for it to dry out before they can actually repair said hole in my shower.

Also, I discovered that the pizza/maqlooba pan that I got from Tar-git doesn't actually fit into my efficiency-apartment-sized oven. Hilarious! I tried to make cookies, and they started running. So, I waited a minute and turned the pan around hoping that they would run the other way and not end up on the bottom of my oven. I was so amused at my own incredible silliness that I had to document it (i.e., why did I not change pans when I discovered it didn't fit? akh, I think it was laziness, apathy and morbid curiosity).

Avast, ye cookie! To the starboard bow!

The final product of my cookie blasphemy. We reap what our silliness sows, no? At least they are still tasty.

Propaganditis

2007-12-31T23:18:00.000-05:00

I was lost in wikipedia land today...and you all know how this happens. You look up one thing, click a link, think of something else, keep reading, scoff at inaccuracies and bias, keep reading, and hours later...anyways, the entry on propaganda is beautiful. Here are some things from that article I thought would be 'fun' to think about. And by 'fun' I mean potentially informative, but not really fun...maybe in more of a metaphoric sense. Perhaps this is something to keep in mind when you read the news or, God forbid, try to analyze what the candidates say...

A selection of the propaganda techniques the article lists:

1. Ad Hominem: A Latin phrase which has come to mean attacking your opponent, as opposed to attacking their arguments.

2. Appeal to fear: Appeals to fear seek to build support by instilling anxieties and panic in the general population. [If you elect Democrats, the terrorists will kill you. Even better--here is from the comments section on that video: "They cried wolf not only figuratively but literally. Satire really is dead."]

3. Appeal to Prejudice: Using loaded or emotive terms to attach value or moral goodness to believing the proposition. For example, the phrase: "Any hard-working taxpayer would have to agree that those who do not work, and who do not support the community do not deserve the community's support through social assistance." [See the Slate articles I mention below.]

4. Argumentum ad nauseam: This argument approach uses tireless repetition of an idea. An idea, especially a simple slogan, that is repeated enough times, may begin to be taken as the truth. This approach works best when media sources are limited and controlled by the propagator. [i.e., Bush's August 28 speech to the American Legion, in which he mentioned Iran 23 times (source)].

5. Black-and-White fallacy: Presenting only two choices, with the product or idea being propagated as the better choice. (e.g., "You are either with us, or you are with the enemy")

6. Big Lie: The repeated articulation of a complex of events that justify subsequent action. The descriptions of these events have elements of truth, and the "big lie" generalizations merge and eventually supplant the public's accurate perception of the underlying events. ["Saddam has connections with Al-Qaeda"--> "invading Iraq is a-ok." See this report. Don't just see it, actually. Download the pdf, then look at page 13. If you watch Fox, you're in big trouble.]

7. Demonizing the enemy: Making individuals from the opposing nation, from a different ethnic group, or those who support the opposing viewpoint appear to be subhuman (e.g., the Vietnam War-era term "gooks" for NLF soldiers), worthless, or immoral, through suggestion or false accusations. [See this for some really foul examples, but don't take my word for it--spend some time cruising the blog circuit or reading the comments section on any articles about the Middle East and you'll see why I made new years resolution #10.]

8. Obtain disapproval or Reductio ad Hitlerum: This technique is used to persuade a target audience to disapprove of an action or idea by suggesting that the idea is popular with groups hated, feared, or held in contempt by the target audience. Thus if a group which supports a certain policy is led to believe that undesirable, subversive, or contemptible people support the same policy, then the members of the group may decide to change their original position. This is a form of Bad Logic, where a is said to equal X, and b is said to equal X, therefore, a = b. [If Democrats eat cornflakes and you eat cornflakes, you're like them!]

9. Oversimplification: Favorable generalities are used to provide simple answers to complex social, political, economic, or military problems. [For example see here.]

10. Repetition: This type of propaganda deals with a jingle or word that is repeated over and over again, thus getting it stuck in someones head, so they can buy the product.The "Repetition" method has been described previously. [*sigh*...]

11. Scapegoating: Assigning blame to an individual or group, thus alleviating feelings of guilt from responsible parties and/or distracting attention from the need to fix the problem for which blame is being assigned. [Here is one writer I like on the subject.]

12. Stereotyping or Name Calling or Labeling: This technique attempts to arouse prejudices in an audience by labeling the object of the propaganda campaign as something the target audience fears, hates, loathes, or finds undesirable. For instance, reporting on a foreign country or social group may focus on the stereotypical traits that the reader expects, even though they are far from being representative of the whole country or group; such reporting often focuses on the anecdotal. [Obama? A Muslim?! Dear God!]

For more 'fun', here is a seriously good article--or two--from Slate. An except: "Steven Poole has collected scores of examples (or words he calls "unspeak" because they 'attempt to smuggle a political argument into conversation') and amplified them in his recent book, Unspeak: How Words Become Weapons, How Weapons Become a Message, and How That Message Becomes Reality."

Unspeak, defined, is "an attempt to say something without saying it, without getting into an argument and so having to justify itself. At the same time, it tries to unspeak—in the sense of erasing, or silencing—any possible opposing point of view, by laying a claim right at the start to only one choice of looking at a problem."

Interested in how language is used? Wikipedia actually has a manual of style. Here is an article on some words and phrases that, intentionally or unintentionally, give bias.

New Year Ahead! Duck!

2007-12-31T12:31:00.000-05:00

Just for fun, here is the view out my window. I live near the top of the building, and for the first time in my life, I have a pretty great view. Weeeeee!!

Resoloootions? Well, basically, I need to finish what I started last year. Isn't this always the case--the never ending to-do lists? Usually, I write down everything I need to get done, scratch off a few, and end up having to rewrite the list with additions and subtractions. Experiences are edited, transfered, and interpreted into a lifestyle (paraphrasing a friend of mine). Therefore, I should change my habits to reflect the kind of life I aspire to. Right?

So, here goes (in no particular order):

1. Make some progress learning Arabic--not just settling for what I can pick up off my friends.
2. Finish my masters degree on time--May, not August.
3. Do my readings this semester instead of just skimming them before class.
4. Patience--work on developing some sense of it.
5. Work on my deen by rectifying my life. It's not so easy to change your life--especially when one has leaped from one religion to another. I'm not sure if it's like straddling a fence or a canyon. Maybe more like moving your house using a two-door hatchback. It's gonna take a while, and that state of disorganization and confusion is probably gonna be persistent for longer than I would like. This is where the patience comes in...
6. Paint something--even if it's just some fruit or a landscape.
7. Move around more--exercise, go for a walk, something.
8. Stop procrastinating!! ARghhh!!!
9. Carry around my camera. Having that ability to take pictures on the spot keeps me focused on the visual interestingness around me. This is good.
10. Stop reading the comments sections on articles about Arabs, Muslims or Islam. All it does is make me paranoid when walking down the street that I'm going to be the victim of a hate crime. This is stupid. Even if I will be, why walk around worrying about it?

"In Europe, Where's the Hate?"

2007-12-24T20:32:00.000-05:00

"Over the past year or so the rural Italian idyll of Colle di Val d'Elsa has played host to a bitter battle for Enlightenment values. On one side, the hamlet's small Muslim community has raised a considerable amount of money to build a large mosque. Having gained the mayor's approval, the Muslims signed a declaration of cooperation with the town hall and even planted a Christmas tree at the site as a good-will gesture.

In response, other locals pelted them with sausages and dumped a severed pig's head at the site. On a wall near the site vandals daubed: "No Mosque," "Christian Hill" and "Thanks to the communists the Arabs are in our house!!!"

Read the whole Nation article here.

Hilarious!

2007-12-24T20:04:00.001-05:00

If you are one of those who rebel against holiday consumerism, you may appreciate the following:

"This week an arts group in Oakland, the Center for Tactical Magic, began shopdropping neatly folded stacks of homemade T-shirts into Wal-Mart and Target stores in the San Francisco Bay Area. The shirts feature radical images and slogans like one with the faces of Karl Marx, Che Guevara and Mikhail Bakunin, a Russian anarchist. It says, “Peace on Earth. After we overthrow capitalism.”

Read the whole NYT article here.

Eid Mubarak, Y'all

2007-12-18T14:12:00.000-05:00

Well, tomorrow is Eid al-Adha, or the feast of the sacrifice. I also want to send out a happy holidays to everyone out there, regardless of religious affiliation.

This is one of those occasions where being a single Muslimah in America, 500 miles away from one's nearest family member, can really bite you in the arse. Basically, there is no good way for me to celebrate this. Alas! Hope your Eid will be better than mine! I'll be spending mine doing what I have done every day since I got back: job hunting, reading, researching for my thesis, and running random errands that don't really need to be done. At least my netflix has kicked in and I'm supposed to get my first movies today...

I <3 Jon Stewart

2007-12-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing Much...

2007-12-17T17:06:00.001-05:00

I don't know why I'm bothering to post--I have nothing particularly earth-shattering to share. I like my apartment. It's great to have hot water to shower with. It's great not to have to worry about whether or not there is water. The weather is freaking cold in DC. I'm looking for a job. I miss my host family. C'est la vie, Sah?

Eevol Mozleems

2007-12-12T11:38:00.000-05:00

"In a 2004 survey by Cornell university, almost half of the national respondents favored curtailing the civil liberties of Muslims. An astonishing 40 percent of Republicans wanted American Muslims to register their whereabouts (24 percent of Democrats)."

*sigh* Read the whole article here.

Reunion Confusion

2007-12-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

As any readers of my silly blog know, I've been counting down my return to the U.S. for a while. However, this does not mean at all that I do not miss Jordan. After I boarded the plane, I thought about all that time I spent contemplating that very moment, and how it was strange that once I got there, time seemed to be going rather too quickly. After we lifted off from Amman, I looked out the window and saw the lights of the city at night. They perfectly delineated the outlines of sprawling, hilly Amman. I cried. In these very small four months, amidst all of my complaining, I had become quite attached to the place and the people. I had basically adjusted. I could find my way around, communicate, haggle, travel, get what I needed, and never once felt like I was in any kind of trouble or danger. Quite the opposite: I was smothered in an overbearing, but genuine and beautiful, brand of caring. "Eat! Eat! You didn't eat anything!" "You want to go where? We'll all go with you together." "You need what? We'll make lots of calls and arrange with all the right people."

Being American in Jordan (or for that matter, Syria or Lebanon) didn't result in any unkind treatment of me. The strongest reaction I ever got was a lecture by a candy-seller in Damascus about George Bush, and I told him that I sympathized with his complaints. "Subhanallah," he said. "I never thought I would be talking to an American in my shop."

I hope that I left a good impression about my country, and I hope that I have been changed for the better as well. The jury is still out on a lot of things, including the fact that I have not yet readjusted to life in the U.S.

I just got back from the grocery store, and I had trouble focusing and concentrating on anything I wanted to get. I got stuck on the butter section. I just stood there, looking at all the varieties of butter, suddenly confused as to why I was there in the first place. I started sweating. There are stores that are like this in Jordan, but they are few and far between--especially in Irbid. Irbid has Irbid Mall and Yarmouk Mall, and I went to a C-town in Jabal Hussein, but they are not quite the same. I can't quite explain it yet.

I actually find myself a little afraid to go out alone. When I left DC, I felt like I owned the place. I'd come and go without a second thought as to anything but parking. Now, after I had just gotten used to shopping in Jordan (which, I basically never did alone), shopping by myself here seems like a huge trial. I feel so hung out to dry--there is no one to just come along with me. In Jordan, there was ALWAYS someone (or two or three someones) to go anywhere with.

I badly miss my host family and extended family. As much as I hated some of the things I had to put up with, I loved them in equal measure. They were so warm, so welcoming. They had such a good tolerance for my ignorance, and were so patient with me and my language problems. Four months was definitely not enough to get a good handle on things, but maybe a year, or year and a half, and I think I'd be in pretty good shape. They never treated me as a stranger. I was always a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, a friend. Khala Beth.

Inshallah, I will be able to go back and see them all again. I think my life can now be divided into two sections: before Jordan, and after Jordan. Inshallah, there will be another chapter for Jordan.

Home Sweeeeet Home

2007-12-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of thoughts to write about, but it's gonna have to wait until I'm over my jet lag. Suffice to say, I'm safe, sound, and now I'm gonna sleep.

Americans Behaving Badly

2007-12-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

So, I've recently heard and/or witnessed two different cases lately of Americans coming to Jordan and pretty much embarrassing themselves, their embassy, their country and also managing to embarrass and/or insult their Jordanian employers. What is that?? Why do some Americans, when abroad, feel as if the rules of standard behavior do not apply to them anymore? People in Jordan (or any other foreign country) are not there to use to your benefit and then drop.

List of unacceptable behavior: lying!! When you make up dumb stories and even the embassy sees through your lies, it's a sign. Not showing appreciation!! When people go out of their way for you, the least you can do is thank them. Passing immediate judgment!! Wait until you get a sense of the local culture before assuming that they are all out to get you.

For the love of God--when traveling abroad, behave with some dignity, and respect the people in Jordan as you would people in America. And stop lying about your 'accomplishments'. No one believes you anyway.

Apartheid

2007-12-03T03:55:00.000-05:00

"If the day comes when the two-state solution collapses, and we face a South African-style struggle for equal voting rights, then, as soon as that happens, the State of Israel is finished," Mr Olmert is quoted saying in Haaretz newspaper. [BBC]

It's hard to deny if they say themselves that they are building an Apartheid state.

A little background on the implications of this comparison, courtesy of the UN:

"Apartheid consisted of numerous laws that allowed the ruling white minority in South Africa to segregate, exploit and terrorize the vast majority: Africans, mostly, but also Asians and Coloureds - people of mixed race. In white-ruled South Africa, black people were denied basic human rights and political rights. Their labour was exploited, their lives segregated.

Under Apartheid, racist beliefs were enshrined in law and any criticism of the law was suppressed. Apartheid was racism made law. It was a system dictated in the minutest detail as to how and where the large black majority would live, work and die. This system of institutionalized racial discrimination defied the principles of the United Nations Charter and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

In 1976 the United Nations unanimously condemned the elevation of one of the "homelands", Transkei, into an independent State because it remained dependent on South Africa. Not one country in the world recognized the new State. In 1982, almost one million black South Africans were transferred to another country -- Swaziland -- without their having any say in the matter.

Ultimately, Blacks demonstrated, held strikes and rioted over such discriminatory practices. As a result diplomatic pressure mounted abroad for change. In 1990, Nelson Mandela, who had devoted his life to democracy, equality and learning for all South Africans, was released from prison after serving almost 30 years for those beliefs. He was elected president of the African National Congress the following year, and in 1993 received the Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of all South Africans who suffered and sacrificed so much to bring peace to their country. On May 10, 1994, Nelson Mandela was elected South Africa's first black President, in that country's first truly democratic election."

I think this little excerpt gives a pretty good insight into why Olmert wants a two-state solution so badly (now) aside from demographics, and why the Palestinians are going to get a bad deal in any case. Even with a two-state solution, Gaza and the West Bank would still remain highly dependent on Israel, and highly vulnerable. You have to think about trade, economics, transportation, etc. on the micro level and on the macro level, look at Israel's military--I think it is only recently that the Palestinian 'police' were allowed to carry guns. If the world rejected the ethnic/racial/religious (whatever) separation that occured in South Africa, why is it so acceptable here? Yet, as Olmert obviously believes, if there is a 'one-state solution' then the Jews will become a minority. Even with a massive effort to increase the and through illegal settlements in the WB and Gaza, Palestinians just have more kids. If, then, there are equal rights and democracy, that puts Palestinians in charge of the state. Looking this issue straight in the face, to maintain the 'Jewish' identity of the state of Israel requires institutionalized racism, discrimination, and ethnic cleansing.

I guess what got me going on this particular rant was the fact that you have Olmert himself drawing parallels to South Africa. It blew me away. I guess it just goes to show that Israelis themselves are more honest about what is going on than their supporters in the United States. Usually, I only hear the Apartheid comparison at protests against Israeli actions, and therefore due to guilt-by-association, it is treated as cheap rhetoric. It's depressing.

Just putting this one out there...

2007-12-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

I recently re-read the Kiterunner for the third time (partially due to my terrible luck getting a hold of cheap paperbacks) and a question is sticking in my brain. At one point, the narrator says something like 'Afghans cherish custom but abhor rules.' Webster's dictionary aside, I think this could apply to Jordan, too--especially Irbid, if (big if) I understand it right. But, just to check my thinking, what do y'all (all 6 readers, including my Mom) think the difference is between custom and rules? What are some examples of each?

Four, or, a Wedding, a Dam, and a Bill

2007-12-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

The last couple of days have been sooooo strange.

The day before yesterday, I went to a wedding. I don't think there is any bigger aggregation of drama in the Arab world than a wedding. We started out at the groom's house and all went in buses and cars to go "get the bride" and bring her to the groom's house, as part of the traditional way weddings are done here. These people live about 10 minutes away from each other, but on the way, there seemed to be some sort of accident between the drivers and then there was a fight. I found out later one guy (not related to the family) was on drugs. Crazy! Drug use is not at all common here--no one has the money, and the culture is so dead against it--you are risking a lot if you do it. We had stopped before reaching the house, and for reasons I didn't immediately understand, everyone rushed off the bus in a mad scuffle. I'm the wait-and-see type, so I just sat there. Much to my surprise, some young mother dumped her big fat baby in my lap and bolted for the door. I was so surprised, that I didn't look to see who the mother was. And man, that baby had a big round chubby face. He was cute and all, but it really isn't how I pictured myself entering into motherhood. Happily, soon everyone piled back into the bus, mother reclaimed child, and we continued our journey, complete with someone on the tabla and all of us clapping our hands and singing what sounded like traditional wedding songs. It was a beautiful cultural experience, all in all.

Today I went and saw a dam project happening on the Yarmouk. I learned a LOT about dam construction. Being from the tradition of the humanities, my brain didn't take it all in, but nonetheless, I think it was worth it. I also had some thoughts about how Western foreigners are put in charge of companies and projects that hire Arab workers. Things are not so much on the level, and I sensed more than a little orientalism in the way the WASP supervisors dealt with the Arab employees, and how they felt about the population in general. In just one small example, people are not paid according to their skills, but their nationalities. An American doing a certain job would get paid worlds more than a Pakistani. The same job. The same skills. Different passport. I think this is left over from colonialism. Why do we still do this? Aren't there international laws/rules that regulate this stuff? Probably not--who would enforce it anyway? I think that multinational corporations live in their own sphere, ungoverned by specific countries. It is like they are above national law and international law in certain respects...so what does keep them accountable? If someone dies, who compensates their families? What about the working conditions? It might be an interesting question to research how these companies operate--who runs them, funds them, which governments cooperate, and whose rules apply? Thesis? Maybe.

In a side note, in the history of Jordanian dam projects, apparently they once tried to build a dam further up on the river in the '80s, but without Israeli permission. The Israelis then bombed the site and equipment. So much for a request between governments to cease activity. Just another example of Israeli diplomacy...this time the project is being built on the border with Syria and Jordan, but they still made sure to get Israeli permission. What the hizzle is that? I know water is a sensitive issue and all, but damn (no pun intended) Israel is right on the Mediterranean! Just desalinate! Ugh, I'll stop before I get myself in too deep without enough research...but seriously, blowing up the site? Just crazy...

And I also got a huge bill from Orange company today for dial-up. ARGHGHGHGHGHHH!!! Tomorrow I'm going to go and [politely enquire] as to why they charged me like this. After the phone line was installed, I bought one of those "unlimited" dial-up internet access cards from a shop for 2.5JDs. I had NO CLUE that Orange would kill me in the process. The bill is for 114JDs. *sob!!* I pray to God it's a mistake and that they don't insist. I'm canceling the internet tomorrow. As a friend of mine said, they are all butchers wanting to get their cut...

Hmmm. I should try to think of something clever to tie these all together, but alas...too...tired...

Race

2007-12-01T11:33:00.000-05:00

"One of them flicked my left shoulder with a latex glove. "What does it mean?" he asked. This was the first time I'd ever been racially profiled, not that the experience would have been any less humiliating had it been my five hundredth. "It means Fuck you," I wanted to say, not because they'd stripped me of my dignity but because they'd shoved my face into my own rootlessness. I have never felt more black in my life than I did when I was mistaken for an Arab."